Witches’ brews are full of newtrients.
You Might Also Like
America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.
My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.
So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.
How do I even know this guy is my “boss”. I’ve just been taking his word for it
if you’re having trouble finding the match to one of your socks, throw it away and the missing one will immediately show up
follow me for more life hacks
friend: you’ve been watching the tv for 8 hours
me: yeah so
friend: maybe u should turn it on
How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?
Asking for a friend.
I like to use the Ouija board to pester my dead husbands.
We need a dating app where you can just get directly to the point. Like hey, you think I’m cute? Do you wanna abandon society & go live in the mountains so we can train a small army of raccoons to shoplift for us when the apocalypse finally happens? No? Then don’t waste my time.
*bursts out of stable on a chihuahua*
“Wait, if you’re here then that means”
*cut to a horse peeking it’s head out of Paris Hiltons purse*
I finally understand what the cat wants when he wakes me up at 4 am
[Girl’s night out]
Girl 1: Omg I haven’t had sex in so long, I swear I have cobwebs down there
Spider-Man’s GF: *nervous laugh* HAHA SAME
When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
Me: I love pastry
Person on Twitter: I see that you like pastry and that’s fine but also I wondered if you ever knew that pastry was responsible for a murder in 1977 when someone set a sausage roll on fire which caused a fatality so you’re basically condoning murder here’s a link
I told the 8 year old that Taylor Swift is apparently dating a football player and she goes “oh man, she’s gonna write a breakup song about how he was just playing games”
My ex is going through hard times during the current lockdown,
so I’ve sent her some food parcels using “Fed Ex”.#lockdownUKnow #foodparcel #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
you: weird flex but ok
an intellectual: odd gloat but understandable nonetheless
me, a genius: peculiar boast but alas
❎ Client not paid?
✅ Add opacity to the body tag and increase it every day until their site completely fades away
I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.
“Did you ever try my hot salty water?” – Inventor of soup
Condoms do not guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.
No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.
I’m here!
– Me, excitedly lining up all of my gourmet peanut butters just before my disappointing first meeting at Toastmasters
Hey I worked for it too!
Kids: [not eating their chicken Alfredo I made them]
me: eat!
7: it’s not fair
10: yea
me: [eating a giant donut for dinner] what? IM AN ADULT.
5: poop head daddy.
My 4yo picked up a toy and put it away without being asked, and I just stared at her like she was a woodland animal I didn’t want to scare.
judge: i hold you in contempt
me: get in line, pal
the movie? well… her name is Bella, she’s torn between a hawt werewolf and some kinda disco ball vampire
You: *makes tiniest movement on sofa*
Someone: “you going to the kitchen?”
The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.
The year is 3250 and scientists were able to extract the data from an old cell phone, dated around 2022, that they found in an archeological dig. They came to the conclusion that humans didn’t used to own clothes judging by all the naked pictures found in this phone.