how much for the angry fruit?
You Might Also Like
Things i use duct tape for, by percentage:
Pranks: 35%
Car repair: 35%
Wrapping presents: 20%
Medical emergencies: 10%
Ducts: 0%
[writing in my journal about the girl I like]
Her hair was soft like really soft hair, her lips surrounded her mouth all the time.
It’s pretty funny that the kid voted most likely to succeed in high school just made my value meal.
Chasing my dream
Dream: I have a girlfriend
computer: create username
me: liamneesonskid
computer: username has been taken
A magician’s assistant wears two layers under her costume: a bra, cadabra
This is a bad sign
You don’t have to seduce me with restraining orders and joyrides on the hood of your car, you had me at. “No, I was waving at my friend.”
To the skeptics who don’t believe in precognition, please explain how I’m able to identify and choose the slowest line in the supermarket and gas station EVERY SINGLE TIME
Sometimes I like to imagine Thanos singing the Addams Family theme song just snapping people in and out of existence
One normal thing I like to do on my my lunch breaks is go on Zillow with my 20 million dollar budget and my f***ing delusions
If you just hang in there life gets really good by episode 4000
me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this
midwife: she won’t
If I was a judge, I’d keep a pile of walnuts with me on the table at all times. If I’m gonna use the gavel, I might as well eat some delicious walnuts.
Some people wake up in the morning & are all like “omg I’m the luckiest person in the world” and I wake up all like “oh my god”
(trying to indicate to my partner that i would like another beer if theyre getting up, but using only skills i learned from point and click adventure games) wow, i could really go a beer right now. maybe some beer would help in this situation. i think there’s some beer over there
People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math
Me: Have you showered & brushed your teeth?
16: Stop bullying me.
Shout out to the lady at the gym who just yelled into her phone ‘THE ONLY PROBLEM IN MY LIFE IS YOU BRIAN’; hung up and went right back to her workout
If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds…how did cockroaches get their name?
It’s wasteful to have a new Doctor Who, a new James Bond, and a new Willy Wonka. They should be amalgamated into a single character called Doctor Bwonka.
Never play hide-and-seek with a 4yo in the mall. I know that now.
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
COP: Where were you the night of murder?
Oh no Facebook user numbers are down for the first time ever. At this difficult time our thoughts are obviously with Mark Zuckerberg. Those thoughts are:
1. Ha
2. Ha
3. Ha
“Baby got Baaaa” -Sheep mix a lot
How can we make people tell the truth?
“Lets make them put one hand on a book & the other on their chest. That’ll scare the shit out of em”
People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.
Doctor: *taps knee with mallet* feel that?
Me: No
Doctor: or this? *jabs toe with a pin*
Me: Nah
Doctor: Just as I suspected. This is my leg
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit