What if all the cashiers are married?
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Bought two shirts at Kohl’s and according to their calculations I saved $2,750.
Guys, don’t take the first step cause girls hate that easy guy. Also, you must take the first step cause they hate the shy one. Good luck!
Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.
I went to nearby motivational speaker session
Was disappointed
There were no speaker
Just humans
Can you believe it
My phone automatically flagged a bunch of my selfies as “low quality images” and I’m not gonna lie, that stings a bit.
8: [gives dog good morning kisses]
wife: the dog gets good morning but not me? I gave you life!
8: the dog’s cute
me: everybody run
Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.
I just found that there’s such a thing as a cheese shop and now I’m changing my vacation plans.
If any cheetahs are reading this, please do not eat my son.
If they ever invent time travel my dad would still insist on leaving early to avoid traffic
I’m single by choice. Just not my choice.
What time will the Easter candy be discounted?
CVS: Mam, please stop calling us. We don’t know yet.
Ok. I’ll call back later.
My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can’t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.
I don’t personally believe in hell but I need other people to so I can tell them to go there
Last year my husband and I both gave each other NyQuil for Christmas. I’m just not sure we are going to be able to top the gift of sleep this year.
If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?
me: want to read more harry potter?
7: sure, we are at the part where harry is talking to dumpledore
me: dumbledore
7: right, dumpledore
me: ᵂʰᵉʳᵉ ᵈᶦᵈ ᴵ ᵍᵒ ʷʳᵒⁿᵍ
*putting a top hat on my dog*
Dog: *thinking* Like I don’t already have enough reasons to kill you in your sleep.
Didn’t have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 15 books and showered.
“I just figured the ‘H’ was broken on your sign”
Nope, this is what I sell here. Now how many Doug nuts do you want?
Today in my classroom
Me: I almost didn’t come in to work today
Student: oh, where do you work?
Puts kids to bed at 6PM: they wake up at 6AM
Puts kids to sleep at 8PM: they wake up at 6AM
There is no winning 🙄
My 5-year-old, “can I say bad words in my brain.” I said yes. She’s just standing there with the biggest smile. Pretty sure she’s saying bad words.
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
Fun morning at work…does Costco sell voodoo dolls in bulk?
My kid, “How old are you?”
Me, “47. Wait, 46. No, 47. Dang, I’m not sure.”*Pulls out phone and did the math. Turns out it’s 46.*
Kid, “Maybe you’re only 36.”
Me, “You are my favorite.”
Kid, “…and really bad at math.”
That curb was easily going 30 mph when it hit my car.
Seagulls are when the sea clenches its pelvic floor
Last night a burglar broke into my house but I quickly popped open a bag of potato chips & hid in all that free space.