Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.
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*gives up being Catholic for Lent*
God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole
If you force me to attend weekly Teams staff meetings AND have my camera on then you’ll just have to tolerate my flossing.
Did you ever think about ten years ago you’d be saying.. “I really hope this is a chick I’m talking to”.
Why does a billionaire need a Bat signal? He is in a cave. How does he even see the signal? Why won’t you just text him?
I have no witty tweets puh rum pum pum pum.
WRITER: It’s a kids movie about a woman trying to kill & skin a puppy.
PRODUCER: That’s horrific!
W: What if it was 101 puppies?
P:…Go on
New medication warning label says not to take in the presence of two or more goats.
dealer: *rifling through bags* hey these are full of cotton
baa baa black sheep: uhhh
dealer: *narrows eyes*
farmer listening in a nearby van: shit, he’s been made
A drunk man walks into a bank. He’s holding an uncooked fruit. What does he say?
“This is a raw berry!”
Me: [wrapping Christmas gifts]
My dog: I shall help by stepping on all the paper and eating the tape.
If you tell a sob story on American Idol they pick you, so it’s like Twitter
I made some fish tacos today…
But they just ignored them and swam away…
[interview]
Okay, don’t let him know ur a vampire.“What kind of person do u see when u look in the mirror?”
OH COME ON
bought some granny panties— turns out they’re not even made of little old ladies
I’m used to my kid bursting into the bathroom with random objects but I had to draw the line today at bringing in binoculars and her cousin.
Netflix: *30 seconds into an Adam Sandler comedy* Are you still watching?
I thought attending Zoom meetings from home was the worst. Then I went back to the office and experienced being around other people who were in Zoom meetings.
hey can i get an ETA on that this too shall pass?
Remember the days we could get out of bed without looking like a newborn pony trying to walk?
Good times.
Facebook now tags fake news stories from sites like The Onion with #satire to protect users who lack 1st grade critical thinking skills.
[long ago]
A: Ok, so let’s mush a tree to pulp and then make flat thingies out of it.
B: Great idea. Write that down.
A: Where?
@DaddyJew @funTweeters
Alarm: I have boyfriend
[my funeral service]
my widow: he will surely be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his own death several times..aaand there he is at the back in the stupid big hat. i’d like to apologise to everyone here once again
If the aliens turn hostile, McDonalds Sprite may be our last line of defense.
Why do Nashville’s tourists feel the need to cosplay farmers and cowboys when they visit our city? I don’t dress up like a bagel or the Statue of Liberty when I visit New York City. I just wear my normal clothes.
KID: I drew you a picture!
ME: What’s this?
KID: Our house.
ME: What’s the orange stuff?
KID: Fire.
ME: Why’s the house on fire?
KID: I want a PS4.
[airport security]
*Beep*
“step through again, but don’t say Beep.”
*Alarm*
“Once more sir, but if u speak, I’ll shoot u.”
{thinks} *bzzt*
I haven’t seen Lost, Dexter, or The Walking Dead. But, I HAVE been to Walmart.
[Cop flashes headlights behind me]
WIFE: I think he wants you to stop
ME: No I think he wants a street race
[A few minutes later]
ME: *taking a corner at 90mph* Guess I was right again, huh Linda
Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.