Me: I really want to go travelling
My bank balance: like…around the house?
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Happy Dhanteras. If you buy gold today, you’ll become rich tomorrow. Except for gold merchants. Who sell gold & become rich today only.
I had an interesting talk with my son’s Sunday School teacher because apparently, when she asked the kids for the next line to Jesus Loves Me this I know, he shouted out “Cause Stone Cold says so” instead and now the rest of the class won’t stop doing it.
dracula is the original vampire, which means all other vampires are technically his kids. but has he ever paid child support?? dracula is nothing but a deadbeat dad, that’s why he can’t look at himself in the mirror, he’s too ashamed
Indiana Jones And The Two Dudes Who Lost Their Cars.
I trained my dog to shake for a treat and now he works the room like the groom at his reception.
This invitation says, “Regrets only,” so I’m sending them a note that says, “My hair throughout most of the ‘90s.”
[Baseball game]
ME: [giggle] I love how they named the positions in the game after the bases of sex
HIM: What? No, baseball came first
ME: ok I’m pretty sure sex came before baseball
Ate an entire pool noodle all by myself.
How do I convince my publisher that this is an essential marketing purchase
awkward
Once upon a time, I’d leave my seat early at a concert or sporting event so I could beat the traffic.
Nowadays, it’s probably because I need to beat the queue for the toilet.
Me: …and they’re allowed 1 hour of scream time.
Babysitter: You mean “screen time?”
Me: No.
Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.
[Me in hospital bed]
My wife: How is he?
Dr: He was dead for 15m
Wife remembering “Til death do us part” in our wedding vows:*pumps fist
ME: thanks for “showing me the ropes” lol
SAILING INSTRUCTOR: you’re not even making a joke sailing is literally where that comes from
Nobody on this train is decent enough to give up their seat for a pregnant woman & now I gotta stand here w/my sweater balled up in my coat.
Boy, your name must be Adobe cuz when you call me up for a date, I say “Ask me again later.”
I’m not even going to try to be understood today. If you hear nonsense, that’s what I said.
My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.
Kid: We never have anything good to eat!
Me: Go shake your car seat out.
Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired
We were stuck in traffic once when I was a kid and I had to pee so badly that I cried and my mom gave me a coffee cup to pee in and I think about that day every time I pee in a coffee cup.
People think getting married young is a bad idea.
I got married young and everything worked out.…not with her, obviously, but still.
My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.
i’m just a girl, standing in front of a fan, talking into it so i sound like a robot.
When I got my epidural during childbirth I didn’t realize it was gonna wear off before the toddler years
it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal
People on Twitter trying to one-up you in the comments like:
“Oh, someone close to you died? Well I’m in the process of saying my last wor-“
Smartphone owners are the bravest. They’re not afraid of anything not even death.
They can walk into any running truck without giving a damn
God: *creates pinky toe* Whatcha think?
Angel: It’s cute. But what’s it for?
God: *creating furniture* You’ll see…