my fav colour is also hitler
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girlfriend: I’m sick of you having no sense of direction
me: where did that come from
Satan: Omg im such a big fan of your work!
My toddler: Thank you! Did you bring me plain milk? I asked for spaghetti milk.
Indian parents give you unmoanable names so you can focus on studies
3.
The number of times you can flip a grilled cheese sandwich before you notice that you have the pan on the wrong burner…cuz of Twitter.
Me: so every time I work out I reward myself with a cookie
Them: isn’t that kind of defeating the…
Me: NOBODY ASKED YOU BRENDA!
It took Marcel only a few meals to realize he didn’t like being a French cat.
[Staring at bedroom ceiling]
Her:Don’t worry. It happens to every guy
Me:Not to me it doesn’t!
*resumes trying to unscrew lid from pasta jar
*I cycle off mt Rushmore and fall to my death but my bicycle lands on the end of Lincolns nose and makes a perfect pair of reading glasses*
“And you sarge, got anyone special back home?”
“An Internet commentor. Wants me to provide facts against his point. Said he’d wait for me.”
Save time sledding with kids by just throwing away one mitten before you even leave the house
ME: welcome home John Wick
JOHN WICK: thanks roomie. How’s my tamagotchi?
ME: *starts sweating profusely*
Me: Everyone! We’re having a baby!!
Them: What is it?
Me: I literally. Just. Said.
They should make a sister store to “Forever 21” called “So Now You’re 35” where you can buy sensible pants and soft sweaters & take naps.
At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter
Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.
if you’re hiding from a deranged killer and forget to put your phone on silent, at least make the ringtone the benny hill theme.
I’m the dog whisperer. I’ll whisper the word “dog” 20.. hell, 30 times if the price is right
Shrek is a nye movie because the years start coming and they simply do not stop coming
If I worked at a pizza place I would use pepperoni to spell out “Marry me?” on pizzas all the time just to make things awkward for couples.
That old expression: “hold the phone!” doesn’t work anymore because everyone is already doing that
Seeing men with their noses sticking out over their masks makes me hope I never see how they wear swim trunks.
writer: ok so a guy and girl named jack and jill
editor: ugh 2 lame white kid names. fine, go on
writer: well, they go up a hill
editor: i’m already bored
writer: to fetch a pail of water
editor: kill me
writer: no trust me it gets better
Saving this screenshot for when my grandkids ask me what 2017 was like.
“Go ahead, caller….”
“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”
The easiest way to burn fat is cremation.
6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.
Don’t tempt me kid.
Crazy how women have the stereotype of being chatty when 90% of dudes have 45 minute podcasts that no one listens to…
waiter: would u like the bill?
me: no I would not
I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”