Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.
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I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.
Never apologize in your voicemail for not answering the phone. You’re not sorry. Own that shit. “Hey, I don’t like you. Leave a message.”
-My cat will ONLY drink from a slightly running faucet and she rubs her gums along the side of it.That’s the faucet I brush my teeth from. So basically I’ve made out with my cat.
Therapist: [Puts her pen down. Rubs the bridge of her nose]
4 am is a useless time. You can’t fall back to sleep at that hour and there is no point getting up.
When I’m president, we’ll do 11 pm twice and skip 4 am.
had a weird insomnia so i put on a movie (Interstellar). i loved it. it made me cry twice and gave me the chills once but it absolutely didn’t help me sleep
A lot of people don’t realize that Shania Twain’s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.
No one:
My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.
God: Build an ark
Noah: For?
God: Animals and shit I dunno[earlier]
Devil: Bet you can’t trick someone into building an ark
God: Game on.
Me: You think you have all the answers but believe me, you need what I have up here..
*points to head*Her: What, half a bottle of mousse?
Better than a Justin Bieber concert:
1. Being deaf.
2. A rattlesnake bite.
3. Chewing razor blades.
4. Licking a public toilet seat.
j o i m p
let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off
You can literally be in Autozone and your kid will still want something. WTF you want a alternator?
girlfriend: we need to talk
me: ok what’s up
girlfriend: I’m pregnant
me: OH AND I SUPPOSE THAT’S MY FAULT TOO
A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…
Today is the day I write something beautifully profound
No. That was it. I’m going back to bed
Rhythmic banging against the wall, his hands grasping the sheets. Unable to get what he needs, he gets out of bed to turn off the Roomba.
I used to be a big proponent of super-descriptions of characters in stories–down to the last ribbon of their costume. Nowadays, I think vague details work well for a lot of reasons, such as not having to go back and remember how you described them when you’re writing a new book.
I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas
Our wedding pic looks like my wife’s selfie photo bombed by me.
What’s pink and fluffy?
Pink fluff.
What’s purple and fluffy?
Pink fluff holding its breath.#RubbishJokes #PinkDay
#ThursdayVibe
[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat
me: [deadlifting 200 lbs]
mortician: sir
my life is ruined
i wish to live no morenever mind i found the remote.
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
If the first thing you do in the morning is checking your emails, you’re starting your day with other people’s problems
I came back from the grocery store with a bag of fresh vegetables and when my wife asked what I’d bought I said it was a bag full of good intentions
Guy Fieri got into a fistfight with his hairdresser. I guess he finally looked in a mirror and saw what the dude’s been doing to his hair.
My latest business venture is not-for-profit, apparently.
me: *walking my dog*
her: ah, what’s he called?
my dog: john