Here’s a video of a guy putting a camera on a sushi conveyer belt. It’s wonderful. Every table has a little story!
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Cheers Twitter.
“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies
toddler *banging his hammer on the coffee table*
me: What are you making?
toddler: Noise
It’s hard to look like a badass when you’re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.
I’m on a roof fixing gutters. If I was on roofies, I’d be in a gutter. HAHAHAH I’M SO FUNNY!
[police station]
“sir you get one phone call.”
[calls 911]
“hello 911 what’s your emergency?”
yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage.
I think the first person to see a pug was like wait why is that sweet potato snorting?
Why do we call it tunafish? Is there any other tuna out there that’s not a fish?!!?
They should invent a Sunday that’s longer than a couple of minutes.
i hate being a girl i wish i was a computer virus
Finally, an explanation.
Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?
The key to office success is to only have one of two things out on your desk at any time, things you’re working on or things that make you look busy.
Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”
*Removes ‘Loves to bake’ from online dating profile
*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else
why do i pat the top of my sandwich like great job now you must die.
My knee just cracked so loudly that I half expect it to glow in the dark tonight.
1 in 5 mammals is a bat. Re-examine everything you think you know about your “loved ones.”
I trapped a ghost in my cooler to keep my beer cold.
Hey Fugeddaboutit
Me: He had short brown hair, a goatee, one earring…
Sketch artist: Are you just describing me?
Me: He had a sketch pad. Looked angry.
Twitter: Worchest… Worce… Woostishire, haha this word is so hard to spell, am I right?
Also Twitter: GIMME ALL THE SRIRACHA
Make your salad taste better by putting it between bread, meat, cheese, and Big Mac sauce.
*For those who believe everything they see on social media, kindly watch this.*(👆)
*first day as a coach*
Me: ok gang so we should go with a zonal defence here, remember to watch the runners and stick to the plan, goooo team!
Player: *whispering* guys I don’t think coach has played golf before
“Hear me out. I know the cookies are a solid fundraiser, but picture this… mobile margarita truck!”
– and that was the last time I was on the planning committee for the local Girl Scouts.
I was just doing a show, and I thanked the audience for coming out during the Game Of Thrones premiere, and one guy went: “Oh no! Oh shit!”
i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing