Nothing freaks me out like trying to remember which brownies I packed in my son’s lunch box
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They say that over time pets will start to resemble their owners and I didn’t believe it until I found my cat fast asleep in front of his food bowl
Selfie
When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”
I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.
Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
me: so the wife and I started running the dishwasher in the morning instead of at night and it’s had a real positive impact on our days, for example-
officer writing ticket: i’ll let you go if you just please stop talking
Me: Is there anyone who is dead to me right now that wants to talk?
Him: I’m right here!
Me, moving planchette across Ouija board: I M S O R R Y
Him: That’s not what I said
Me, moving planchete:
I W A S W R O N G
Oh boy, it’s that time of election year when all the politicians start wearing jeans to get down on the level with us regular folk. You’re gonna need to wear a kilt and the blood of my enemies if you want my vote this year, Brad.
Me: [first person to scratch my nails against a chalkboard]
Wife: STOP THAT
Me: Why?
Wife: It’s like…
Me: It’s like what
Wife: It’s definitely like something
[Knock at door]
MAN: Hello I’m here to talk about Jesus Christ!! Sorry, a spider landed on me. I’m here to talk about bondage
ME: Do come in
Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.
Zac meets Ron
Zac dates Ron
Zac takes Ron home
Zac Efron
At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future
😅😅😅
Twitter should have ” Throwing tomato” button.
My dress code is business-casualty.
Jumping through hoops makes it sound too easy.
It should be something…more like…trudging through quicksand on 2 hours of sleep with a sinus infection.
Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick
Every person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by asking if they’re drinking enough water.
You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.
I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.
Dating life- Finds rose petals on the ground when I wake up
Married life- Finds my husband’s toenails on the ground when I wake up
No son, you can’t go out with your friends. Tonight we’re installing Windows Updates, as a family.
My daughter made me out to be the villain because I wasn’t going to let her eat a stick of butter for breakfast. Like I was saving it just for me
me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente
me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I’m attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are
[lips on a snake]
WIFE: what are you doing?
ME: getting rid of the poison
WIFE: you’re supposed to suck your own bite
SNAKE: leave him alone
Hot tip for dog owners:
Be on the lookout for “whale eyes.” If your dog has whale eyes, this is BAD SIGN. That is not your dog, it is a whale pretending to be your dog and you are in IMMEDIATE DANGER
if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?
“Finally, Avengers time baby!! Been waiting so long to watch this. Nothing could ruin this moment for…”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson sits next to me holding a huge notepad]