My 4yo has been asking for no syrup on her pancakes. I thought it was really weird because she loves syrup, but today I saw her put a warm pancake on her face which explains the no syrup, and also probably why her face is so soft.
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Friend: What time is it?
Me: November.
If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.
just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait
Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?
Her: Things got a little wild last night with Mike during sex. 😏
Me: You have bruises??
Her: No but he knocked my phone out of my hand.
Anyone else get nervous when their life is going too well? Like right now I have 3 phone chargers.
Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.
Him: A nap? Really?
Me: It’s not me. I have two wolves inside me and they want a nap.
Him:
Me: I’m a responsible owner and let them nap.
Him: Guess they like pizza, too.
Me: What do you have against wolves?
12 *randomly*: Hey, Mama, can I make a twitter account?
Me: *choking on coffee & coughing* No
12: What age do I have to be to make an account on there?
Me: 98
You fools! Whether or not
Die Hard is a Christmas movie doesn’t really matter. The tradition of arguing over it is what counts. 🎄🎅🏻🌃
What am I gonna do with a river?
Could you cry me a beer?
Me: so then you bring in 3 investors and like they bring in 3 investors and it just keeps going and going until we all get rich. You get it?
Pharaoh: i actually love this
I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
*stuffing my face with donuts* what does the cop banging on my windshield screaming “give me back my donuts” want from me?
I’m tired of explaining myself. Someone else do it for me.
Turning on a guy is like flipping a light switch. Turning on a woman is like wiring that switch & then building a nuclear plant to power it.
abandoning Dry January after I learned that January is 31 days and not seven hours
Target cashier: “Did you find everything you needed okay?”
Me: “I DIDN’T NEED ANY OF THIS.”
not now, i’m busy doing tax crimes on my abacus
pretty cool how no matter what’s going on in the world, a teenager in a Metallica shirt will always look the same no matter what year it is.
For your consideration, a black footed ferret and the first words written about the black footed ferret in western scientific literature: “It is with great pleasure that we introduce this handsome new species”
[dog bites my arm off]
owner: lol don’t worry he’s just playing
i took my metal detector to the beach and found a huge slayer concert
Me: can you make sure this diamond ring is in the bottom of her drink? I want it to be a really special moment
McDonald’s employee: ok
Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”
*bark*
“What’s that Lassie?”
*bark bark*
“Timmy’s stuck in a loveless marriage with an overly critical wife?”
*bark*
“Ooh, dinnertime.”
9 was yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc he couldn’t do his maths homework so I sat down with him to help and now 9 and I are both yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc we can’t do his maths homework
Packing my daughter’s prom kit…lip gloss, stun gun, pepper spray, switchblade, and I’ve uploaded all 5 seasons of Teen Mom to her iPhone.
Me: the pancakes were good but I’m full
Brain: it’s possible you’ll never eat again
Me: more pancakes please
When I walk through automatic doors sometimes I think I’m controlling them with my mind, that’s normal right?