“i saw your ex” – a truly unnecessary piece of information
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If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.
I’m just marveling at how the hand towel in my son’s bathroom can be so dirty and yet his doorknob is so wet
If they ever find my body next to a treadmill, just know that I was murdered somewhere else and my body was dumped there.
Hey, remember that terrible date who forgot their wallet and then ghosted you?
Well, LinkedIn thinks you should add this person to your network.
Doctor: I got your test results back from the lab and I have some bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: by the time I got them back he had chewed them up pretty bad
This is enough internet for the day.
I just asked my boyfriend does he think I’m loud. His response “Well it’s very easy to hear you…”
???????????????????????
*two turtles strapping themselves to a sleeping cheetah*
Just you wait, Carl! This is gonna be awesome!
Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.
I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.
PROFESSOR: Please don’t speak without raising your h-
ME: [raises hand]
PROFESSOR: [wheeling cadaver table away from me] I meant your own hand
I’m not like all those other girls
*regurgitates a seagull*
I don’t buy tupperware containers, I steal them from my parent’s house like an adult
If I suddenly had the ability to teleport, I’d spend an entire day popping up naked in front of people and asking for John Connor.
[date shouting over music on the dance floor]:
WHY ARE YOU HOLDING TWO CORN DOGS?
Me: BECAUSE I NEVER KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY HANDS!
If a spoon doesn’t stand up straight in a cup of coffee you’re not brewing it right.
I told the hubs someone must’ve broke in and stole his phone charger.
He’ll believe that before he’ll agree he misplaced it somewhere.
March is coming in like a lamb. Slaughtered and roasted with a nice mint sauce, mashed potatoes and seasonal vegetables.
Her: I bet you forgot it.
Him: I have a photographic memory.
[shakes violently]Her: ?
Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?
Her: NO
I was arrested last Halloween. Apparently it’s illegal to chase someone yelling, Touch me! Even if they are dressed as the Grim Reaper.
*Leaving my kids and husband at home for the day*
Me: I’ll see you guys later. [waves]
Dirty laundry & dishes: [waves back]
Mother of God, the man solved unsolvable crimes for eight straight seasons. When he says he has a hunch, believe him the first time.
*Baby presses ‘snooze’ to stay in womb extra 10 minutes*
[First date]
Him: What’s your favorite dish?
Me: The one that holds the most food.
Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.
It’s funny when a cartoon character drops a piano on someone’s head but when I do it it’s a “crime”??
[first date]
*Ok don’t let her know you’re a vampire*
“Would you like a mint?”
*reaches in pocket, pulls out SPF 5,000,000,000*
“Dammit”
HER: how was your day?
ME: you know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
HER: it was that bad??
ME: oh no, it’s just a cool scene…my day was decent
Just because I quit smoking doesn’t mean I gave up getting up and randomly leaving the room for 10 minutes.
“Have you seen my thumb ring?”
~ my proctologist