Roses are red
Duracell is gold
Took your vibrator’s batteries
for my remote control
You Might Also Like
As a kid, I always wondered why my mom never wore the macaroni necklace I made her to work. And now I’m a mom and I’m like, Oh. OK.
If you mean sleeping all day and only speaking to demand meals then yes, my teen has cat-like reflexes
pilot: ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. we have just reached our cruising altitude of 15,000 feet
guy with massive foot fetish: *visibly sweating*
facebook is always sending me suggestions of “an event that might interest you” – it all interests me, facebook! trust me! it’s not for a lack of interest … so, if you could please tweak these suggestions to “an event that you can afford” … that would be great … thanks
We carpeted our bathroom last night. My kid covered the entire floor with towels before their bath so same thing.
I’m the kind of mom who burns one side of the grilled cheese, serves it to her kid with the non-burned side up, and crosses her fingers.
I’m totally winning this weight watchers thing! I’ve eaten more points than everyone!!!
I hope I’m doing this right…
[inventing napkin dispensers]
bob: it has 2 settings
exec: ok
bob: 1 at a time
exec: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
exec: first of all I love it
I have a hard time believing that bears made porridge & the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
Doctor said I got this skin rash from an unusually high intake of cream & chocolate. Said it’s the worst case of Cadbury Eggsama he’s seen.
Sometimes I’ll take such a good picture of someone I’m like “this is definitely making it into the slide show at their funeral.”
*stranded on a deserted island*
Message in a liquor bottle: BYOB
[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year
tfw you have a meeting with your boss, and you aren’t entirely sure if you quit or if you got fired but you definitely don’t work there anymore
[at family gathering]
Me: *shoving jumbo shrimp in my mouth*
Mom: Where are your manners?
Me: *points over at sister* She has them.
2020 is the worst Choose Your Own Adventure book ever
My kid made up a song that goes “I love you and would do anything for you except clean” like some kind of 7yo Meat Loaf
Carrot cake is both my favorite carrot and my least favorite cake.
Ok, new plan, I’m gonna marry a Kardashian.
I used to care passionately about so many things. Now, there is only cheese and cookies.
Whenever there’s a bee trapped inside my house, I always open all the doors and windows so all the other bees can join it and it doesn’t die alone.
Interviewer: and I see under special skills you wrote “undoing the toilet paper roll?”
My toddler in a trench coat: that’s right.
My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.
He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor
They say that exercise may help you live longer. Guess the grim reaper doesn’t want to make that much of an effort to catch up with you when you’re walking.
Before you buy anything online ask yourself “Am I prepared to see a sales ad for that same item on every social media site I visit until the day I die?”
Only marriage can turn an incorrectly folded towel into an act of war.
Möther may I have a snäck
Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.
[to girl i just brought home] watch your step, i was playing with my legos earlier