no one:
my roommate at 3:26 am: hey man, did you eat the last Pop-Tart?
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Guys! Everybody needs to stop Kung Fu fighting. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
when you’re jamming to an old-school r&b song and someone older than you ask “what you know about this?”
me:
just walked out of the grocery store and realized i parked like shit. an absolute garbage approach. i’m so embarrassed. i can’t be seen getting into this car. i’m running away. new life. just the clothes on my back and this cantaloupe
9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?
Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.
me: i want a girlfriend so badly
them: u have to start going on dates
me: seems excessive
Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful
Me: Flies away
Me: will I find a wife
Fortune teller: no
Me: u didnt do the thing with the cards
Fortune teller [flips one card, maintains eye contact]: no
I think my brother and I just solved The Duh Vinci Code
This morning the cat gently nudged my sleep mask off of my eyes at exactly 7:30 AM, an adorable – but ultimately unacceptable – development.
That tattoo of wings on your back are good. But wings that small could hardly get you off the ground though. *reveals full body wing tattoo*
14: (setting his alarm for 5am)
11: Why so early?
14: Because Mom is going to take a million first day of school pictures. And it’s going to take forever.
Me: That is correct.
I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.
You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.
No. You cannot have both.
Earth is indeed bipolar, but it’s not a disorder.
Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?
The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.
For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.
A sleeve of Oreos each night will whiten your teeth. Everyone knows this
ME: you said I could have anything I wanted for my last meal
WARDEN [bottom lip trembling]: but my wife made these sandwiches for me
Knuckle tats:
(I)(M)(H)(U)(N)(G)(R)(Y)
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
Staring out into the horizon..
Me: this is so peaceful, tranquil & romantic
[Bf holding up a stuffed lion]
Bf:Ah zabenya za dabib du da
Keep your friends close and your enemies buried beneath your floorboards
What I say and what I mean are three different things.
Traveled back to 1918 and accidentally called it World War One.
Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.
Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.
This is not the inflation I learned about in clown school.
You can tell a lot about a person based on what they use as a gender-neutral singular pronoun.