I love medieval baby paintings because they either look like a baby who has done crossfit since birth or that creepy middle aged dude who sells drugs at the end of my street
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[sees that Abraham Lincoln is trending]
Please be alive, please be alive, please be alive, please be alive
[phone rings]
“Is your refrigerator running?”
*looks over at fridge holding a lighter up to a spoon*
“I don’t know what he’s doing anymore.”
I’ve never understood why someone would rob a liquor store for the money.
On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.
Name another movie that mislead you?
I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
“I don’t think Gay Guys should be able to get abortions”
-Me when someone asks me a question that I don’t know the answer to.
Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say “I love you too”?
If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?
Found out it’s $3000 to get laser eye surgery and $300 to get laser hair removal so I’m just gonna get the hair removal on my eyebrows and scootch up a bit when they start.
*a horse walks into a china shop
“Wait – if I’m *here*, that means-“
[cut to bull destroying bar and goring customers]
Me: Can u send me those documents?
Coworker: Yes, but u can actually get them by–
Me: Nope, don’t try teaching me to fish. Not interested.
I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.
me: Guess what? Your dad’s going to be on the radio!
7yo: What’s the radio?
“This is why I hate fancy restaurants, I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
While we’re all distracted by AI and the fear of a robot uprising, the real enemy is quietly gathering its forces.
To cut a long story short, play your audiobook on triple speed.
Me: before we have kids let’s see if we can keep this plant ali-
Wife: plant’s dead.
Me: ok no problem a plant isn’t a child, besides it’s not like we’re pregnant ye-
Wife: i’m pregnant.
Me: this is fine.
Mix it up a little. Start answering calls from unrecognized phone numbers with an angry “If this is about the marmot again, I swear to God someone’s going to pay!”
You hang up
“No, you hang up”
You hang up first!
– Bats going to bed
How many days should i wait before i call my senator, i don’t want to seem desperate
My kid’s high school did a random search of all the lockers today and guess who’s teenager stood in front of her locker and yelled, “SHOW ME THE WARRANT!!”
Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.
Ok, I’ll bite
What’s an ab?
The older you get the farther away your toenails are when they need a trim
Me: I think our son is feeling ostrichsized
Wife: Don’t you mean ostracized?
*son enters, feathered, elongated neck and legs*
Me: No
My local cinema was broken into last night and goods worth £15,000 stolen: a packet of popcorn and a medium Coke.
PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours
Sloth: Uh oh
“Mom, look! Look! Are you watching, Mom?!”
THE WORLD WOULD BE SOOOOO MUCH HAPPIER IF EVERYBODY WAS A DUCK