Parents to our kids: Honesty is the best policy.
Also parents to our kids: Pretend you’re sick and don’t tell anyone I held the thermometer to the lightbulb to get us out of this party.
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called in thicc to work this morning
Draw attention to your older tweets by being arrested on suspicion of multiple murders.
May god have mercy on the soul of the person who takes this job
Me: what do you call an insect that used to work for a rideshare company?
Her: don’t
Me: exuberant
Her: what is the opposite of a crime of passion
When this pandemic is over, I’m going to French kiss every escalator handrail at the mall
WIFE: I think he’s in a midlife crisis
“Why, did he buy a new car?”
WIFE: not yet
[I pull up on a sleigh pulled by roughly 1000 raccoons]
if they ever legalise drugs, Nestle definitely need to make a KitKet
In retrospect, Mr. Burns gave me an extremely unrealistic view of how funny a rich guy who controlled everything could be
5-year-old: *glares at me* My shoe doesn’t fit.
Me: You grew. How is that my fault?
5: You fed me.
@Holy_Mowgli @funTweeters Glass repairman: I’m shattered
You can’t outrun your problems…
*wins lottery*
Me: fill it to the top, Jeeves
Jeeves: But ma’am, your pool—
Me: I SAID MORE MAC AND CHEESE!!!
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own food choices.
I could be an astrononaut. If it wasn’t for the in shape part. Or the science. Or the going into space.
I never related to movies as a kid. Like in Home Alone when Kevin says to his Mother “I am upstairs you dummy” I couldn’t understand how he was still alive after that.
sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song
Dude with 7 followers is criticizing my jokes. That’s not a Twitter account. It’s a group text.
Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.
Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.
#IsStrangerThanStrangerThings
A groundhog taking the wheel
Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.
I think we figured out which one was Destiny’s child.
waiter: do you have any questions about the menu
me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats
*trips over an ice cube dropped on the floor*
Me: This is JUST like the Titanic!!
Sitting down and tilting your head to the side will increase your chances of food intake by 82%.
– Dog Logic
Whenever my friends make drunk plans for brunch, I always feel like a shark tank judge. I’m like “You have no real plan, I’ve seen this idea fall apart before, and I know for a fact that you don’t have the money. For these reasons, I am out.”
Sign says World’s Largest Ravioli. “Where’s the filling?” people ask exploring its vast interior. The sound of boiling water grows to a roar
I said “I’m not going to repeat myself”
My favorite part of eating alone at this trendy restaurant was when the waitress asked if I had cats because I had cat hair, “all over.”