i could never use my superhero powers to become an actual superhero because i could never commit to the lifestyle.
oh wait, that alarm says someone is in trouble RIGHT NOW? sorry, i need at least 48 hours notice and a written form
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cop: did anyone follow you here
jesus: no
cop: i’m not so sure, there’s a van across the street with twelve guys in it
PMS is just an excuse women use to eat all the good snacks & occasionally when committing murder.
Picnic ruined by underwhelming potato salad (and Fire ants).
My doctor said avocados help with depression but so far it’s just sitting there on my counter doing nothing.
When someone tells me to “smile naturally”.
#dalle2
Never seen anyone in Nandos or McDonald’s pick up an appropriate amount of napkins – you’re cleaning up after a burger not a double homicide
went to the dog hairdresser and (u started reading so u may as well finish) I can’t believe how well she held the scissors in her little paw
A pack of coyotes shrieking outside your house at 11:59 PM is slightly less unsettling if you imagine one of them just won a new car.
doktor: did you get a drug test?
me: nah I know what I’m on
Guys, please help. My son accidentally started a sentence without saying “mom” first, and then he kind of short circuited…? What do I do?
my go-to phrase at work is “I’ll crunch the numbers” but the truth is I’ll just go back to my desk & crunch my flaming hot cheetos
“Son do you know how to tell if a pineapple is ripe?”
*throws pineapple against grocery store wall*
“Ah nuts that was a good one.”
Me: “Yes, finally! I got a nice, staple paying job!”
Friend: “Don’t you mean stable?”
Me: “Definitely not! I don’t even know if I have enough staples to afford a horse, let alone shelter it.”
I really hate it when I have to go to work because my abundant wealth doesn’t exist.
sorry I missed your call, 95% of the calls I get are from robots trying to steal my credit card information so this entire method of communication is now dead to me
For main female characters, prom is inevitable. Even if you try to skip it, a perfectly-fitting dress will appear in your life.
Lock the doors, or run far away. No matter where you go, prom will find you.
You overpack for vacation and most of the stuff you don’t even wear, but your clothes need a vacation too. They seem to enjoy it.
Due to a recent incident I lost my job as the ‘CEO of Washing Dishes’ and got an internship as the ‘Head of Watching Brown Rice Boil’
Yelling at my cat to stop hissing at my other cat, for god’s sake, Milo, we’ve got a pandemic on
I got a shopping cart today with 4 working wheels, it was full of lingerie models and self confidence and I was dreaming
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years
Me: punching a goose in its mouth
Interviewer: you know actually we’ve already filled the position
Me: *clenches fist* was it a goose
The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.
FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.
Great game to play with friends
He wants my carcasses apparently.
I think autocorrect won that round.
Someone should probably go check on Steve.
If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.
I want to marry somebody as funny as me. Imagine we both laughing because we forgot to pick the kids up from school
I had a Russian Uber driver the other day.
His name was Pikup Andropov.