AMAZON, 1998: hello we sell books but online
AMAZON, 2023: please return to your Primehouse for your nightly Primemeal, valued Primecitizen
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Nutritionist: Let’s identify those triggers that stop you from eating well, they could be subtle
M: I guess the main one is being awake
N:..
The French cow says MEUX…
Me: Why aren’t you in bed?
5: I need smooth jazz.
Me: Uh what?
5: I NEED YOU TO PLAY ME SMOOTH JAZZ!
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you at a grocery store.
In Florida, a man on a beer run chased customers with an alligator under his arm. In a related story, there is a bill to change the Florida state flag to a guy buying beer with an alligator under his arm.
young jesus: mom where do babies come from
joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?
Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey.
“SO WE’RE NOT KNOCKING ANYMORE??!!”
If you think grammar isn’t important, well, it’s.
[removing powdered wig to reveal my son, a powdered wig]
SON: *powdered wig noises*
ME: *nods powderdedly*
*eats half a pan of brownies while making salad for dinner*
No, thanks. Five hours of energy sounds terrifying.
I’m walking around the hotel this morning with a briefcase handcuffed to my wrist.
It’s a great way to meet chicks.
Colleague: want some popcorn? Keeps you young and beautiful like me
Me: Really? Looks to me you should’ve been eating a hell of a lot more
The Weeknd is Canadian, he should be adding letters to his name not removing them
[first day as a pilot]
This is your captain speaking, in the event of cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling and untangling them will annoy you before you die.
I like to go to zen gardens and shout at things.
4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.
male coworker: how’s it hanging?
me: loose and to the left
him:
me: you’re not going to ask me that again, are you?
him: not a chance
There’s black ice out there. Walk slowly with a wide stance while crouching and keep your arms away from your body for balance. I’m not sure if it will keep you safer but it’s funny to think about you walking that way.
God: And they will have relationships full of love, commitment, and passion
Angel: Sounds perfect
God: Lol, they have to pick two of three
Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?
At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.
Reasons my 3 y/o cried last week:
-I filled up his water bottle to high
-My wife took a shower
-Our dog walked out of the room
-His brother went down for his nap
-I didn’t sit on the couch in the exact spot he wanted me too.
whoever designed giraffes was extremely high
*on a first date*
Me: I’m in financ-
Her: oh finance that’s cool
Me: ial debt. Crippling financial debt
drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.