Your proctologist called. He found your head.
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No chill.
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Santa.”
“Santa who?”
“Santa who has to use the door because you left your fireplace burning, jackass.”
Waiter *looks at empty chair opposite me* are you waiting for a friend?
Me: Yes *lowers voice* is this how you get one?
dating tip #4: when meeting her brother for the 1st time make sure when he goes for the handshake u kiss him on the lips to assert dominance
[the Schrödinger home – Vienna, 1897]
“You see? She is both dead and al-”
“Erwin, let your cousin out of the bathroom. NOW.”
I’m dying!! A bear cub went and ate my aunt’s pies today of ALL DAYS!!! 🤣🤣
Me: I love Bowl Season
Them: yeah, football every day for a month!
Me: *surrounded by 47 bowls of snack foods* huh?
Marriage is one person sitting on the couch eating Cheetos while the other looks for the remote because she can’t hear the TV
My husband keeps borrowing and losing my tweezers, so I’m naming this chin hair after him
Her: I want a man who will carry me to the bedroom
Me: I gotchu babe *Gives piggyback*
Whenever I see a job advertisement, I respond to it. It’s called MANNERS
[Chopped episode]
“In your baskets is a box of spaghetti olives fried chicken mozzarella cheese tomatoes and a package of Oreos.”
Me *opening Oreos*
“Clock hasn’t started.”
Me: There’s cookies.
“Those are for your dish.”
Me *munching*
There’s cookies.
True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse
This day in history. 1961. In Spain the fascist government of Generalissimo Francisco Franco declared equal rights for women and men. None.
(First date)
Me: So Pamela, do you enjoy being a psychologist?
Her: *smiles* Yes, but you dont pronounce the P.
Me: Oh I’m sorry Amela.
I should get something accomplished, but the cat wants me to sit with him right now.
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
ChatGPT, you are Leonardo da Vinci with a PhD in psychology and 20 years of experience providing mental health services for the ancient Sumerians. Analyze my tweets and formulate a life plan for me with the goal being me developing x-ray vision
Hey Guinevere *knight flips up his visor* Hast thou considered my proposal? Because *unsheathes blade* I’m sword of a big deal.
The “you’ve hit the maximum limit for direct messages in a single day” pop-up alert — but for work emails.
8yr old: I’m teaching myself sign language and I’m so upset! Why would they do this?!?
Me: Do what?
8: Do you know what the sign for cactus is?
Me: I do not.
8: It’s the middle finger! I can’t use the middle finger!
Me: Well, I mean, how often do you say cactus?
8: That’s fair.
Called in, “It’s not you. It’s me,” this morning.
I try not to snack at night, but the cheese in my fridge haunts me. What if I die in my sleep and NO ONE EATS IT?
🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶
I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.
Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.
Me: ooo that one is yummy…and that one has kind eyes…oh wow I have always been a sucker for beards…
Cop: Ma’am this is a lineup. You are supposed to pick out the guy who stole your purse – not the ones you like.
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
Me: So, what do you do for a living?
Her: I flip houses.
Me: You must have incredible lower back strength.
Her: You’re an idiot.
My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.