Me: what are you doing
Cat: WAT
Me: I know that look you’re planning something what is it
Cat: HOW DARE
Cat: AM ONLY THINK INNOCENT THOUGHT
Cat: AM PURE OF HEART
Me: your pupils are huge right now
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me: retract those pupils
Cat: JUST GOING 2 DO SMALL DESTROY
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Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS TO ALL THE BROS ON INSTAGRAM WHO CAN’T AFFORD SHIRTS
An unintentionally hysterical ad offering proof why ‘branding’ always needs a second pair of eyes.
Cop: There’s been another break in at the bakery.
Swan: I wouldn’t know anything about it.
Cop: *hands him a bread roll*
Swan: Word at the pond is that ducks did it, but you didn’t hear it from me.
Friend: hey man what happened to your hand?
Me: just a little boo boo.
Friend: so I see. Is that a paw patrol band-aid?
Me: you know damn well it’s a paw patrol band-aid Steve.
Sex so good you forget you’re married…to each other.
You raise a generation of overthinkers by telling them to put on their thinking caps in second grade, but never to take them off.
My wife says the kids look just like their father…
…and if I ever find out who he is, he’s got some explaining to do
Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say “You all” and instead I had sex with my cousin.
Your preoccupation with Hugh Jackman, Hugh Grant and Hugh Laurie is irritating. Why do you have to make everything about Hugh?
Passed by a old school Math example today.
Mary had a little lamb.. And then she had a very large kebab.
wife: Do you want a bowl?
me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?
[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt
It’s true. Losing one sense enhances others.
For example, you lost your sense of humor but your sense of entitlement is through the roof.
“And on the 7th day, He rested.”
Yeah, because He didn’t have any kids yet
Unlike the brain, the stomach alerts you when it’s empty.
wife: that’s a turtle with our daughter’s face on it
me: I searched the whole casino
Tonight on The History Channel’s Dying in the Woods: Eric dies in the woods.
It’s so nice that Girl Scout Cookies come in single serving packages.
proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask
me: no you can have them
Elephant 911: What’s ur em-
Elephant: MOUSE
Elephant 911: WHERE
Elephant: FLOOR
Elephant 911: JUMP ON THE TABLE
[table breaking noises]
PATIENT: I bet medical school was pretty tough
DR DOG: yeah I remember one time I did an assignment 4 times bc I ate the first 3 copies lol
What’s the name of that Tom Cruise movie where he runs around a lot?
Why do parents train babies to peek with the game peekaboo but then spend the remaining childhood telling them not to peek?
*Seductively stripping out of clothes.
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
“I don’t have to run faster than the bear. I just have to run faster than you,” I say to my hiking companion. It is Usain Bolt. A bear waves
I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.
Has anyone actually seen a dog eat homework?
How about a meat that is also a dental floss? – Pitch for prosciutto