Old lady: I swallowed a spider in my sleep
Doctor: that’s quite normal
Old lady: and then a bird
Doctor: what
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My opponent would have you believe I wear a tinfoil hat to block government mindreaders. I wear it to pretend I am from space. No questions
My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.
Me: But aren’t you scared of the Elf on the Shelf? We don’t have to have him come around…
Kid: No! He’s just a stuffy that comes to life and tickles you and watches you all the time, it’s fine.
Cool, but now I’m scared…
my moms yelling at me bc idk her email password
Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?
Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.
Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.
Dr. Seuss: Would you could you in a box?
Would you could you with a fox?me: ok what kind of doctor are you anyway
If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.
A blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court, the game would be cancelled.
#BasketballDay #RubbishJokes
I have a ghost cat. My Litter Robot just told me it detected a 5.9 pound cat. I don’t have a 5.9 pound cat or one close to that weight.
wife: That guy is texting and driving! That is so dangerous!
me [holding a donut in each hand and steering with my knee]: So dangerous
we did it you guys we saved daylight
I took someone else’s coffee at Starbucks. I’m Tiffany now
[to the secretary before I go in for job interview] “when the music starts, hit this button and that will activate the fog machine”
Thelma and Louise driving off a cliff, but it’s just me holding my friend’s hand until the scary part of the car wash is over
I was having a rough day so my wife suggested we make bread dough together.
I kneaded that.
My problem isn’t that I lose all my chapsticks. It’s just that I don’t remember which one I used the last time I had the flu.
him: what are you looking for on this dating site?
me: someone who will hold the cats down so I can take pics of them wearing sunglasses.
Dear people with resolutions,
Please bring all your unwanted.. bread, junk food, soda, drugs, and alcohol to my house. Thanks.
i have one speed and it’s mosey
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say “I think we lost them.”
Cashier: Gimme shake
Customer: *offers paw*
Cashier: Good…here’s your order!
-McDogald’s
Biden: I took a Staples red button & wrote “Nukes” on it
Obama: Joe!
Biden: Tweets to him in Russian when pressed
[At Mall]
Good cop: CLEAR A PATH PEOPLE!
Bad cop: OFFICIAL POLICE BUSINESS
Black Friday cop: *Segways past everyone & gets the last HDTV*
Therapist: what would you say to your dad if he were alive today?
Me: sorry for cremating you. I honestly thought you were dead
[Pulled over by cops]
Murderer: I swear officer! There ain’t nuthin in the trunk!
Cop: SIR, PLEASE STEP DOWN FROM THE ELEPHANT
How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?
I was today years old.
Sometimes you just need to dance naked in the kitchen. The manager at this Burger King seems to feel differently though.
[hawaii]
me: aloha!
my girlfriend: we need to talk, i think we should break up
me [tears in my eyes]: then i guess this is aloha
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.