Do ducks and geese ever sit in a circle and play “ape ape human”?
You Might Also Like
lab assistant: i have good news and some bad news
me: ok what’s the good news
lab assistant: you got an a on your test
me: ok…and?
lab assistant: it’s hepatitis
me: i’m proposing to my gf
sonic the hedgehog: that’s awesome man
me: i need a ring lol
sonic: *nervous* haha
me: *pulling out a baseball bat*
i once got pulled into the boss’s office because a coworker was upset that i gave him “a look that implied he was an idiot.”
There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”
Golf Tip: Be sure and yell “FORE” before throwing your golf club at a jogger.
Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.
“Act your age!” I yell at my 11 year-old daughter as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.
A Post-It note on every wine bottle at home that just says DON’T CUT YOUR HAIR AGAIN THAT WAS BAD
Always get worried when I see a “thieves operate here” sign. Who is letting thieves do surgery?
i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE
Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.
cop: you’re coming with me
me: [being handcuffed] but i don’t even know you
cop: get in the car
me: will you take me to disneyland
cop: what do you think
me: maybe
No benevolent god would make bears look like that and then tell us we can’t give them belly rubs
AC changed “dies slow death” to “does slow death” and that actually feels more on point
What do electric cars and diarrhea have in common.
The fear of not making it home.
#RubbishJokes
#WednesdayThought
Idea: a neck tattoo that depicts a man having an unsuccessful job interview because of his neck tattoo
Turns out if you don’t click “turn in” when you’re done with your assignment on google classroom, you won’t get credit for doing it.
– my 11yo, genuinely shocked at this discovery
I put the Nutella in the freezer so I don’t eat it and man, what a chilled treat of a backfire that was.
Mhm.
SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU
*shakes buy one get one free coupon*
5: are there people coming tomorrow?
me: no why?
5: well you guys cleaned the house
I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late
Date: I’m pretty easygoing, you?
Me: *regularly gets stressed out doing captcha tests bc I don’t know if bushes count as trees* Definitely.
DOCTOR: If your wife doesn’t deliver the baby in one hour, we’ll do a c-section
ME: *setting timer* ᴱˢᶜᵃᵖᵉ ʷᵒᵐᵇ
The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.
If a zombie approaches you, bop it on the nose with a rolled-up magazine and say NO.
Tellingly, right before she died, my grandma’s final purchase at Bed, Bath & Beyond was “Curtains.”
[baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free
[first date]
him: I love an outdoorsy kind of girl who’s also dirty in bed.
me: * trying to impress* I once slept with a hobo who lives in the woods.