How long do you think Samara from The Ring has been waiting for someone else to watch that videotape now?
You Might Also Like
“Aboot a half kilometer up the road.”
“Thank you.”
“Just past the Tim’s on your left.”
“Much appreciated.”
“My pleasure, eh.”
“google d-dildoes…” i whisper to siri “GOOGLIN BIG OL DILDOES!!” screams the phone, smashing windows in a 9mile radius & flipping over cars
The lifeboat dilemma: the guy everyone wants to kill isn’t the one they want to eat.
Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?
Cop: have you been drinking?
Stork: no
Cop: please step out of the vehicle and stand on one leg
Stork: you have no idea who you’re dealing with
When people ask, “Don’t I know you from somewhere?”, I reply “Yes, we were best friends as children until you murdered my puppy.”
i don’t understand all these newfangled apps. like “phone”
When you have kids, finding a marker lid in your house is like finding a pin without the grenade attached.
Me: [practicing guitar]
Son: Hey, dad-
Me: NOT NOW I’M LEARNING CAT’S IN THE CRADLE
i know my boyfriend’s not an empath bc he walks really fast while im wearing heels
Doomsday prepper, smugly: When everyone else has died, my family will continue to suffer for upwards of 2-3 months
Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet
Me: give me all the brisket you have
Food truck attendant: jesus I’m driving 80, how are you still holding on
Banker: I understand you’d like to apply for a student loan?
Me: Yes. Preferably one that’s good at math.
Banker: What?
Me: What?
I dont have a “college fund” bc my youngest will most likely get a scholarship and my oldest thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls
“Are you really 43?”
Me: “who lies about being 43?”
Coworker: how was your thanksgiving?
Me: ……….. I assume you want me to hear about yours?
Me to Copilot: Does “d73H” mean anything to you?
Copilot: Hmm… No. Why?
Me: That nerd down there on the beach seems to think it does.
Please do it!
Last weekend at a friend’s house I shouted “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
*Last Will & Testament
And to my children, I leave this pile of paper scraps with ingredients written on them, but not any measurements or the name of the recipe those ingredients are supposed to make.
Yesterday I drove past a sperm bank that had gone out of business.
I guess that means no one came.
I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.
me *eating a piece of cake*
trainer: Where did you get that?
*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*
[rollercoaster]
HER: weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
ME [selfish]: iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
All women really want is to be treated like you treat your iPhone.
My husband doesn’t think our family will eat a 5 pound bag of cheese and I’ve never been so determined to prove him wrong.
The person that joins a Zoom meeting where everyone’s video is off and leaves their camera on is the same person that reminded the teacher that she forgot to assign that night’s homework.
Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.