ME: stay away from the cat
MY DOG: perhaps this time will be
d i f f e r e n tME: ur gonna get scratched again
MY DOG: [approaching cat anyway] brøther. brøther i crave the ꜰᴏʀʙɪᴅᴅᴇɴ ᴄᴜᴅᴅʟᴇꜱ.
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Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?
Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food my kids spilled*
ant: oh wait
any last words?
Boss: what should we call the lower cabinet in the corner that swivels?
Bonnie (who hates Susan): I have an idea.
Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.
sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means
When everyone is getting off the zoom call but you’re struggling to find the leave meeting button so then it’s just you and the host
Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.
What did one elevator say to another?
Am gonna level with you
Her: Can you babysit?
Me: Uh, what do I do?
H: Play games & stuff.
M: Like drinking games?
H: He’s 2.
M:
H:
M: So like no hard liquor or…?
Him: I think we should see other people
Me: *eating a cheese ball like an apple* why
I only shave on days when I’ll be having sex.
I live life as a yeti now.
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
My aunt called & asked “is your house near the fires?”
My cousins called & asked “are the fires threatening your house?”
My dad called & asked “what’s my damn iTunes password again?”
There’s 3 parents in my kids lives and each of us does our best to raise them as best as we can.
My husband is great with playing games with them.
I’m good at taking them outside to play.
And Stevie the TV babysits them the rest of the day.
It’s crazy that you get in trouble for trafficking drugs across the border. What if you were just doing someone a favor?
I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan
Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.
Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…
I put on my husband’s deodorant and now I’m angry at the way I load the dishwasher.
“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.
Everyone please stop saying that today’s date only happens once. EVERY date only happens once, that’s how time works.
Nothing brings neighbors together like a few cops cars in front of another neighbor’s house that no one likes.
Day three of MAN COLD. I feel death lurking. Its waiting for me to give up.
Stay strong! Think of the cat. He’ll eat you if you die.
Don’t know if my mother-in-law is talking about a Netflix show she likes or a family member she hates and she’s so deep into the story I don’t think she knows either.
[first day as tour guide in the catacombs] okay so all these bones came from one guy.
[MasterChef]
GORDON RAMSAY: Describe the dish
ME: *proudly* Ceramic, chef.
The more you learn about Ebola, the more terrifying it is
Boss: why’d you leave early?
Me: you said cease the day
Boss: yes I said seize the day
Me:
Boss: