[First date]
Sarah: I’m a twin.Me: Do you know what each other are thinking?
*meanwhile across town*
Sue: Sarah’s date isn’t going well.
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The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.
I’ve consumed so much raw cookie dough the Pillsbury Doughboy made a pass at me.
it kind of looks like someone just took away their laptop
“I’m sure it’ll turn up” – Translation: I’m bored of helping you look.
swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed
Welcome to your 40’s. Quality pens turn you on now.
ramses: *checking phone* wtf is a dense frog warning
moses: 🙂
ramses: oh you son of a-
There are 4 stages in life
1)You believe in Santa Claus
2)You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3)You are Santa Claus
4)You look like Santa Claus
Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.
who called it an advertising campaign and not an adventure
We rescued an injured coyote once but were totally unprepared for how many Acme products they order.
Lucius Malfoy: Who on Earth are you?
John Mayer: (holding a sock) Your Dobby is a wonderland.
DO GUYS EVEN KNOW HOW TO BE GENTLEMEN ANYMORE?
Open doors for her
Carry her bags
Pull out a chair for her
Place your expensive jacket over mud puddles
Punch out her other suitors
Hang her father from his ankles so he knows who’s Daddy now
Hire hit-men on her exes
Buy her flowers
I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.
Sharks would be a lot less scary if they had ears.
If at first you don’t succeed, try two more times so your failure is statistically significant.
[Orca Winfrey Show]
ORCA: “You get a carp! You get a carp! You get a carp!
AQUATIC AUDIENCE: *just screaming their gills off*
50 years ago: one day computers will make all our lives easier & fun
50 years later on a computer on the internet: TEN SIGNS THAT YOU MAY BE DYING OF A VERY DEADLY DISEASE BUT HERE’S SOME ADS FIRST
I showed up at Disney headquarters uninvited
I said I was there for a Rogue One cameo
That’s how I learned the security guards have Tasers
It’s National Donut Day and I have failed to eat a single donut. 2020 is truly a catastrophe…
Doc: ‘So you’re not sleeping?’
Me: ‘Not really.’
Doc: ‘You drinking water?’
Me: ‘Few glasses a day’
Doc: ‘Alcohol?’
Me: ‘Plenty’
Doc: ‘Exercise?’
Me: ‘Not much’
Doc: ‘Coffee?’
Me: ‘Yes, please.’
Me: I need a four-letter word for identical
Her: same
Me: okay then I’ll get the thesaurus
If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.
Piglet: *sees recipe book* Honey-glazed…Pooh, what’s ham?
WinniethePooh: A food that goes well with honey. Now, how about a nice hot bath?
These people at work keep interrupting my naps.
Fool me once, I buy a gun. Fool me twice, I pull the trigger.
My little niece ate her chocolate Easter bunny’s face because she “didn’t like the way it was looking at her”
I’m locking my bedroom door tonight
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
Day One living in a Tiny House: Well, isn’t this quaint?
Day Two: Murder
Cop: *kicks door open* it’s time to take out the trash
Cop’s wife: stop kicking the door