I’m an introvert, but my middle finger is an extrovert.
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I’m just a girl, standing in front of a toddler, asking her to eat her own damn breakfast instead of mine
teachers: it’s the 100th day celebration
me: oh wow, alread-
teachers: your kid has to bring something in
me: oh ok, sure what shou-
teachers: 100 somethings
Now’s a good time to change your facebook name to “Nobody,” so when you click like on ignorant statuses it says, “Nobody likes this.”
I just saw a commercial that invited me to watch more of it on the internet! Bc That’s the problem w/commercials! They’re not long enough!
My husband likes to watch The Bachelorette and I like to stare at him when he does
Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”
Prime ribs are just like regular ribs except they’re only divisible by themselves.
14: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘You kids! Heck, when I was your age I’d be outside and-‘
14: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
the most semi-awesome vegetable is the rad-ish
Whenever I have a panic attack I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
The wife: what do you want for Christmas, sky is the limit
Me: new boat
The wife: lower sky
10: Dad, what’s the opposite of “discombobulated?”
Husband:
Me, yelling from the kitchen: You don’t know, do NOT say “combobulated!”
[pet store]
Um hi can I have 4 turtles & 1 rat
Clerk: hah trying to make ur own ninja turtles dude
Me:*hiding miniature sai and katana* n no
OEDIPUS: hi do u have any anniversary/Mother’s Day cards?
CARD STORE CLERK: dude wtf
Pretty sure I could never successfully get away with a crime. I shed as bad as the cats! 😹
Remember when you were a kid, you slept on the couch and without saying anything you found yourself in your bed. Now you sleep in your bed and if you say anything, you end up in the couch.
The neighbors are looking at me strangely again. Like they have never seen a man sitting on his roof with a pair binoculars before.
An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.
[bank]
me: this is a stick up!
bank teller: [whispering] turn the gun around
me: what? omg i’m so embarrassed
bank teller: lol first time?
me: is it that obvious?
bank teller: you’re doing great sweetie
Due dates for babies are like estimated download times.
[opens jar of olives and pours them in my garden]
“Now grow to be a restaurant”
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck
I’m not saying it’s hard for me to lose weight, I’m just saying if you interrupt me when I’m eating I’m starting over.
villagers: we need rain but no rain in months.
me: STEP ASIDE [get’s car washed]
[rain starts immediately]
[gets appointed as a head witch of the village]
You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…
No matter what the store manager says.
If a satellite dish zaps your friend and turns them into chips and 2 sliders….
Would you eat them?🤣🤣🤣
Came downstairs to watch the game and the channel had changed. Looked at the dog, he looked back, then slowly slid his paw off the remote.
Fall, when my kids clean the yard by bringing ALL the leaves into the house
“Florida is insane.” Bro, we ain’t even trying right now. Imagine how powerful we would be if we all had dental insurance.