I still remember the day I asked my mom “why did you have so many of us? (I have 4 brothers and 2 sisters)
Her response: there was nothing good on T.V.
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The bleeding walls and voice saying “Get out” I can live with but the inadequate natural light in the breakfast nook is intolerable.
Hotel California reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Such a lovely place”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Plenty of room. Excellent check out”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Can’t leave”
“Let’s make it very difficult to open while people are bleeding.”
– inventor of the Band-Aid
Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.
formal request for my funeral to be half open casket, with only my legs showing
After years of music lessons my kid asked me what an F hashtag was so clearly I can stop saving for Juilliard
Therapist: It seems like you have an
acute phobia of marriage. Do you know
the symptoms?Patient: I can’t say I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s one of them.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.
If your dog doesn’t have a middle name how will they know when you’re mad at them when you call them?
Me: *braids girl’s hair*
Girl: *turns around, terrified*
Me: The movie was boring me…
*leans back in seat*
*eats popcorn*
it’s ok earthquake, i’m only a 4.8 in new york too
[meets someone on the internet a day younger than me] my child go and live
Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
Meghan Markle: breathes
Press: Meghan Markle wages war on global oxygen supply by hoarding depleting resources within her lungs.
Unsolved mysteries are just mysteries
If your store sells carpet and tile and you’re not advertising a July Floor-th sale then what are you even doing?
[guy taking a bite of corn and then immediately taking a bite of hotdog] there has to be a better way
The older I get, the more I lose my looks. But I’m also losing my eyesight, so it’s not my problem
Nobody ever writes about Moby Niceguy.
There are 400 billion stars in our galaxy and perhaps two trillion galaxies in total, and I just wonder if Miss Universe fully understands her achievement.
it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once
The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.
When will all of this hoarding stop? I nearly broke down today when I couldn’t find any beluga caviar, Wagyu beef, or gold shavings for my fresh ice cream.
[Weights bench at the gym]
ME: …327…328…329…
PERSONAL TRAINER: Can you please stop counting ceiling tiles and do some exercise
Worst ways to die
1. Burned alive
2. Suffocate
3. Die from frustration teaching your child to blow their nose
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
Me: *cleaning blood oozing from the walls* the ghost said it will quit haunting our house if you just put your stuff away
Husband: I said I would do it
Me: *being dragged to the basement by an invisible force* JUST PUT IT AWAAAAAAY
Husband: omg, you don’t have to nag