I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.
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The setting my husband selects for our ceiling fan makes me think his end goal is to make me fly off the bed
[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife]
“Why no pants on?”
We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell
1st girl @ the moon:
– Houston, we have a problem
– What happened?
– Nothing, doesn’t matter
– Come on
– Nothing..
– Tell me
– U should know
My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.
We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.
Women’s voices naturally get higher as they get excited so if you’re in bed and she still sounds like Morgan Freeman, try harder.
buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life
I don鈥檛 have a favorite vampire. If you ask me, they all suck.
Got capsaicin in my eye again. I, justly, blame the squirrels.
The only spanish I know is from the song Feliz Navidad, so these last few days have been my time to shine.
Him: Wanna go out with me tonight?
Me: Let me ask my mom
Him: Wtf?! You’re in your 40’s!
Me: She said no
Sure sex is cool, but have you ever pulled an old book off a bookcase, opened a secret door & were never seen again
Me: Are you gonna change your name after we get married?
Her: Yes
Me: What do you think of “Jessica Rabbit”?
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
[NYE]
ME: *wearing 2017 glasses*
OPTOMETRIST: *rubbing his temples* Stephanie your eyesight may be bad but you really only need one pair
guys I wanna start watching the news but I’ve never seen a single episode and I don’t have time to watch it all before the new season starts can one of you catch me up?
“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.
The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good
ask your girlfriend for her ring size and then give her a personalised bowling ball
#AsAKidIHated getting my temperature taken 馃ぃ馃槵馃が
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
She got mad because she said don’t come in the house with those dirty shoes on so I took them off, how was I supposed to know my socks were just as bad.
Me: why is my water bill always so high?
Me in shower:
Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she鈥檇 write a song where she spells restaurant.
[looking at wife’s tombstone]
today would’ve been our anniversary
*falls to knees*
why did I pre-buy her tombstone causing her to divorce me
i am:
鈿笍 a man
鈿笍 a woman
馃敇 living in the year 2021looking for:
鈿笍 men
鈿笍 women
馃敇 a way out
There鈥檚 two people you never, ever, ever talk to: cops and comics.
My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.
**Pixar Film Themes Guide**
Toy Story: Jealousy
WALL-E: Environmentalism
Up: Bereavement
Cars: Cars