[in bed]
Husband: *gentle nudge* Hey…
Me: *removes ear plugs*
*removes sleeping mask*
*removes snoring strip*
*removes mouth guard*
Hey…
Husband: *sleeping*
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Tier 3 meme
Best Buy: What’s your street name? Me: FUNK MASTER FERG bia bia! Best Buy: No, the name of your street.
ME: (first day as a detective) It looks like he accidentally shot himself in the head while trying to eat his own gun. What a shame.
MY PARTNER: Have u considered suicide?
ME: Jesus Christ man, I just get sad sometimes. I dont want to die.
I find it ironic that several times a day I have to let a computer know that I’M not a robot.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes i see that now
[classroom]
Nietzsche: whoever fights monsters should see to it that he does not become a monster. Any questions?Me: [googling how to fight a dragon] I have a few
*KNOCK KNOCK* OPEN UP ITS THE POLICE
“What do you want?”
YOU’RE UNDER ARRES-
“No.”
..NO??
“No, I don’t want to be.”
*whispers* Shit now what
Some people are like a ray of spray tan.
The police have just found my stash of ceremonial chairs in my transparent garden potting shed. Just goes to prove…
People in glass houses shouldn’t stow thrones
If zombies ever attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership
Never understood the desperation behind placing ur order in English at KFC/McD. Heard a guy practicing his order while sanding in the queue.
Maths meets science
[ghost writes YOUR DEAD in condensation on bathroom mirror]
“My dead what?”
[ghost writes *YOU’RE]
AAHHHHHHHHHH!
Mom Math:
If Child A has 2 scoops of ice cream in his bowl, and child B has 1 3/4 scoops, how many days will Mom have to hear about it?
COP: Where were you the night of the murder?
CROW: I was with a group of friends
COP: What would you call that group?
CROW: …I want a lawyer
The fireworks have been over for hours but Rex is still barking, which is weird because he’s 12 years old and not a dog. Weird little kid.
“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.
“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”
You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.
Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!
Me: Choose how you want to die.
Honesty is a bit of a red flag for me. Like woah! What are you not trying to hide?!
Nothing is as heavy as a page that needs turning.
Apparently, my superpower is being invisible to bartenders.
Our 8-yr-old son announced that he is moving in with the family down the street because they have a PlayStation.
My wife: “What about us? We’re your family, and we love you.”
Son, enthusiastically: “We can be neighbors.”
I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.
How to get ready for things :
1. Procrastinate for 5 hours
2. Panic 10 min before leaving
Thought I had outsmarted my kid and his friend by telling them the baby monitor was a walkie talkie so I could keep an ear on them… and then the snack requests started.
Years ago I was able to find the trashcan in a friend’s kitchen on the first try, and I’ve been riding that high ever since
Just a reminder that a Cheesecake Factory menu counts as summer reading for your kids.
Normal people flirting: Hey you’re cute we should go out sometime
Me flirting: So do you like bread
My dad called and asked which brand of bourbon I would be most thankful for next week.
My mom must have sent him grocery shopping.