I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.
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Them: Alcohol is not a healthy coping mechanism.
Me: Okay but when I tried to keep a therapist in the cupboard above the fridge I got in trouble so…
YOU TWEETED 23 TIMES TODAY. RT @realDonaldTrump People ask me what I do in my free time. The answer–I don’t have any.
“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”
-my family
Me, parenting my kids 10 years ago: We don’t hit each other. We use our words.
Me, parenting teens now: Please take it outside if you’re going to kill your brother. I just cleaned.
Fall semester: kid leaves for college for the first time, how will I live without you?
Spring Break: HOW DID I EVER LIVE WITH YOU?
*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*
*you’re cured*
my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay
guys please don’t talk about the healthcare vote I’ve got it tivoed
[Watching Star Trek with my date]
ME: *leans in* It’s called Star Trek but the stars don’t actually go anywhere.
contractor: I finished installing the secret entrances, death ray, and crocodile moat. all that is left is the payment
super villain: no
contractor: right, should’ve seen that coming
My dog after a walk in the woods.
Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”
[visiting hours at prison]
BEAR WIFE: How are you coping?
BEAR: I miss the woods.
BW: The tranquility?
BEAR: No, I really need a shit.
3 : Daddy, can we watch Frozen?
Me : Sorry, darling. We can’t watch Frozen in the summer because all the characters will melt.
Dad: No wonder your Twitter account wasn’t hacked
Me: You weren’t worried?
Dad: Not at all, you’re not nearly interesting enough for the hackers
There were things in the big “I got scammed” piece that I think I’d have fallen for and things I think I wouldn’t have, but if an ostensible law enforcement officer tells me I cannot get a lawyer I am getting a Triple Deluxe Lawyer
My Sister: My baby doesn’t sleep! The books say newborns sleep 16 hours a day!
Me: Unfortunately, some babies don’t read those books.
The lengths my ex will go to in order to make me jealous are astounding. Like getting married and having a kid. IT’S NOT WORKING, JANET
Sorry I’m late, my toddler declared independence.
Well, you know when you start cooking something & go to check Twitter real quick?
Fireman: ….
{Twirls hair} Can I try on your fancy hat?
*my wife catches me in bed looking at an optical illusions book* HONEY, NO IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
[First day as an undercover cop]
Drug Dealer: You got the money?
Me: … *into cufflink* Line?
“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”
i have one speed and it’s mosey
Any car can be a dream car if you fall asleep while you’re driving.
I was uninvited to “drop it” because we couldn’t hear Yoncé over my Rice Krispie knees.
Some people need a sympathetic pat on the head… with a hammer.
[during sex]
Me: So do you LIKE like me or
I once had a boyfriend cheat on me with my best friend but that pales in comparison to the betrayal I feel when an Amazon ‘Get it by tomorrow’ order arrives two days late
Seems to me the guy who named sneakers was up to no good.