My phone autocorrected “people” to “pricks” because my phone knows all of you
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[Shipwrecked diary]
Day 1: I found a pen, and a notebook to write in. More pens. I might be in a Staples. Printer paper. I’m in a Staples.
Me: [trying to hide a dead body] you gotta help me
Hamburger Helper Glove: THIS IS WAY OUT OF MY LANE MAN
Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?
Me: I tire easily.
People criticise me for chasing squirrels in the park but I trust my dog
Girl: that’s a fine-tooth comb
Guy: *combing teeth* thanks
Me: What am I going to do with these sick time management skills?
Twitter: hold my beer
Weird, started flirting in this bar and for some reason 4 guys just killed themselves.
Get a dog from the shelter for your kids and you’re a hero
but get a hobo from the shelter to babysit your kids and everyone gets all upset
7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.
I can’t decide whether or not I should do laundry or just buy another hamper.
just learned that cows have best friends. when they are together they experience less stress which means even cows have more friends than you
“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”
-The Eclairvoyant
Me: I think that’s Dave
Wife: It’s not Dave
Me: Gonna wave to him
Wife: Don’t!
Me: Hey Dave!
Auctioneer: New bidder at $80,000
Me: It’s not Dave
You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?
Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.
Mom: how’s your little cult thing going honey?
Me: [sigh] mom Twitter isn’t a cult.
Dad: it sounds like a cult to me.
Mom: 80k people follow him Harold.
Me: seriously not a cult.
Dad: what do you call all those people?
Me:
Mom:
Dad:
Me: my followers.
“There’s someone out there for everyone”.
A really vague Receptionist.
Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?
In Soviet Russia a bar walks into men. The case of the man-killing-bar remains unsolved.
When someone has two dogs everyone’s always assuming they’re siblings like “where’s your brother?” “share with your sister” what if they’re dating? What if they’re coworkers?
[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip
Whenever I go to a restaurant without my kids, I feel like something is missing…
DOES ANYONE NEED THEIR TUSHY WIPED?!
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What’s your name on Twitter?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
If life gives you lemons, remember that they are the result of humans crossbreeding bitter oranges with citrons and do not occur naturally. Therefore life never gave you any lemons to begin with; we made them up.
I start opening a delivered package before I even get back inside and my wife can let her packages sit unopened on the table for a week. Which one needs therapy?
[middle ages]
King: my soldiers should wear suits that is more protective
Queen: *are more
King: babe that is brilliant
*meets man next door*
That’ll be easy to remember. We have the same first name
*meets neighbour’s wife*
Is our name tattooed anywhere on your body?
I’m about to go on a 6 day trip with 130 teenagers, including a 21 hour bus trip in each direction. Send thoughts, prayers, Monster, and bourbon.
Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.