I’m tired of being the strong one. I want to be a noodle.
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70’s horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses
just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait
one time my grandma told me about a secret menu at burger king that involved a police escort to a second burger king
Area 51? I thought we were all gonna storm Forever 21.
Him: If you’re waiting for me to apologize…
Me: No…no…I’m just waiting to see if you leave any fries behind when you walk away.
A five year old girl is headed to
the National Spelling Bee finals.And I just had to use autocorrect
to spell “embarrassed”I’m so emb-
I will never give another woman my heart until I see how she acts when a bee flies at her.
Succinctly put.
My 3yo was giving me a checkup and put the stethoscope on my stomach. She asked if I could hear the heartbeat, and I just got up and left. Heartbeat in my stomach? Smh ain’t nobody got time for that.
They’re on their honeymoon
Congratulations to the people who never took their Christmas decorations down you’re almost there
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.
Mr. Webb, what is the greatest threat to national security?
“The dinosaurs in Jurassic World, they always seem to get out”
Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–
Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.
The dentist gives me toothpaste when I leave. Step up your game gynecologist.
How about I get 100% off by already being there
Smoothies- the art of selling half a banana and a peach for £3.50.
#RubbishJokes #JokeDay
#FridayVibe
I still can’t find a place with an alligator infested moat for under $2k/month, but I’m hopeful.
Captain America: I got the alert, what’s the emergency?
Avengers: Well, it’s snowing, so…
CA [handing over shield]: Last time! Buy a sled!
Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges
Family means eating together at a buffet and everyone calling dibs on the toilet during the ride home.
Parenthood is so crazy. We’re really out here getting bullied by the people we made.
you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts can’t solve
My cat and I are both on diets, it’s hilarious. Just sitting across from each other, angrily eating our horrible breakfasts.
It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy
Someone on Facebook sent me an invite to their Fall Tupperware party. The only way I’m going is if they’re full of food.
Um, hi. How much is the rent for this amazing apartment?
Ma’am, this is the wine aisle of the grocery store.
Anxiety = waiting to see if the middle seat will stay unoccupied as people are boarding your flight.