I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around
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What if archeologists just matched the wrong bones and the t-Rex actually had super long arms
I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve received a lot of emails that find me well.
Had a dream some of my friends were mooning me, woke up at the crack of Don.
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions
If you want to take your pet snakes for a walk in the rain, I have a handy instructional video on how to make reptile raincoats out of used condoms.
Me: What are you doing?
My 6yo: [buttering the piano] Nothing.
6: I hate corona virus!
Me: When it’s over you’ll have to wake up early to get to school on time.
6: I DON’T WANT IT TO BE OVER!
You’ve got some nerve
~my dogs, to anyone who walks by our window
Parenting log, day 560:
The child has bonded with a slice of American cheese. She’s been hugging it and kissing it for over an hour and it is now half melted. Everything in the house is now covered with cheese. She will not play with anything other than the cheese.
When I’m bored, I part my hair down the middle and pretend I’m a Hanson brother
My kid can’t remember if it’s “heck” or “hell” that he’s not supposed to say in school, so he’s been switching between them both and I’ll just go ahead and pencil in a meeting with his teacher now
One time I screamed so hard about a professional athlete not playing through an injury I blew out my back and couldn’t work for a week.
Eating a takeout salad alone in your car can feel depressing, but not if you fully commit to the backstory that you’re a detective on a stakeout.
new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people had asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
PROSECUTOR: Well, if you and your bandmates truly AREN’T responsible for the arson – as you claim – then I’m sure you wouldn’t mind revealing to the jury just which parties, locations, or world events you think ARE responsible?
*Billy Joel takes a deep breath*
Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥
when all of your friends are at a bar that doesn’t allow you inside because one time you brought a sword in there
Sucks when good bands have dumb names.
“What are you listening to?”
“It’s Made Out of Babies, they’re really great.”
“…”
Me: AI, how many fingers am I holding up?
AI: 17.
My libido: please have sex
My social anxiety: by yourself
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
I DON’T WANT YOUR PITY but I’ll take it.
If you guys don’t keep a child-sized oar in the car to row past slow drivers I’m not even sure you’re livin’ right.
I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.
running chickens are hilarious in a velociraptor kind of way
I feel like I’m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don’t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.
“Maybe I don’t need this second cup of coffee,” she said as she reached for the turkey gravy instead of the milk.
“…nevermind.”
A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius
Me: I saved $2000 remodeling the bathroom [flexes muscles].
Her: Did you add the hospital visit?
Me:
wife *comes running out of the bedroom* Kill it! Kill it!
me *runs in*
wife: Did you get it!?
me [has no idea wtf she’s talking about] Yep