*Lips to mike
Mike: Do I know you?
You Might Also Like
Step 1: Buy a 3D printer.
Step 2: Print a 3D printer.
Step 3: Return the 3D printer.
I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people
Friends: Get married. Have kids. Get a promotion. Travel the world.
Me: Still standing in the grocery store trying to get open a plastic produce bag.
Had a 6″ sammich from subway today, and it totally didn’t fill me up. I get it now ladies, and I’m so, so sorry.
Forget a beach bod I want a bat’s bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night
Boss: what should we call the lower cabinet in the corner that swivels?
Bonnie (who hates Susan): I have an idea.
I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun
Yay parenting
My problem isn’t that I lose all my chapsticks. It’s just that I don’t remember which one I used the last time I had the flu.
Do you ever think about how many people squeezed the avocado that you’re eating?
Worst bar ever.
“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi
I’m not even remotely sorry
A hexagon is what Mario says when he frees himself from a curse
My kids used to get so mad at me for not picking them up after school. But, good mothers don’t drink and drive.
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
[1st day as judge]
Murderer: [waves at me]
Me [waves back]: He seems nice
Lawyer: He killed six people
Me: He probably didn’t mean it
Cat: I want attention.
Me: *pets cat*
Cat: the f*** you think you’re doing??
My husband surprised me by inviting his new boss and wife for dinner so I surprised them with an icebreaker of mocktails and Cards Against Humanity
me: if you love something, set it free
wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t
I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.
Me singing a couple lines of a song: Alexa find this for me
Alexa: playing video
“Top 10 Creepiest Animal Sounds”
[amazon dropping off my order]
Me: yes! my new recliner arrived!
Cat: yes! my new scratch pad arrived!
Me:
Cat: Tomato Tomahto
My family is playing Monopoly so no it won’t be a silent night
I want to live in a world where the plural of moose is mooses.
My wife bought us a sex swing, and at first I was like “cool”, because I thought maybe we were getting a giant parakeet.
My superpower is finding the humor in nearly every situation. Uncle Bob’s superpower was flying. Landing… not so much. Lol
Priest: That’s your eulogy?
What’s with the attitude? I don’t know what’s gotten into you but I know what hasn’t.
I could never do polyamory not because of jealousy or anything I just don’t have it in me to keep track of more than one birthday
A tartan is what you get when you sunbathe on the asphalt
*Clark Kent leaves his glasses on the coffeemaker at work*
Lois: Anyone see the coffeemaker? You, with the glasses…seen the coffeemaker?
[Super soldier program]
SCIENTIST: We’ve given you an enhanced cybernetic arm.
ME: So I can take pies out of the oven without mitts.
SCIENTIST: More—more for killing people.
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME: But I can also—
SCIENTIST: Yes you can also use it for the pie thing.