BARISTA: what can I get you
ME: medium roast please
B: ok, your gray roots are getting obvious and you have the silhouette of a potato
M: *under breath* damn
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My son has decided he loves avocado toast and now I have to get a second job.
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
This is the worst game of Jumanji ever.
Cop: Pullover!
Me: It’s a cardigan.
Million dollar idea: Orange Tupperware for spaghetti sauce.
If you go to an animal shelter and ask for a cat, they get really upset if you play them like a guitar and scream ROCK YOU LIKE A FURRICANE.
Don’t be that guy that tells people not to be “that guy.”
I love the originality of Jack-in-the-Box’s marketing. Name one other fast food chain with a clown for a mascot.
i hope jessica biel names her first child ‘batmo”
What I say: No!
What my kids hear: There’s a really good chance if you keep asking.
Maybe raccoons aren’t really digging through trash for food,
Maybe they’re just looking for something to remove their eye shadow.
Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he’s taking.
I’m not afraid to go to prison I really need a vacation
Making core memories with my son by faking heart attacks in McDonald’s as a distraction while he steals mobile orders.
How to make friends as an adult:
1. Say “we should hang!”
2. Do not hang.
3. Say “we should hang!” 6 months later.
4. Cancel.
5. Reschedule.
6. Respect their cancelation.
7. Reschedule.
8. Actually hang.
9. Say “we should do this more often!”
10. Die.
Is it still kidnapping if I packed a suitcase?
This chapter of my life is called.
“Pushing a pull door”
It’s the weekend y’all
How to fix something:
-Say “let’s have a look”
-Describe the brokenness
-Break it a bit more
-Say “nah it’s broken”
-Place hands on hips
Told my Mom I wanted to put googley eyes on random things in the grocery store and she told me to wear latex gloves so my fingerprints won’t end up at the scene of a crime so yes I am afraid of her.
I would like to see the USA go metric before I die just so I can enjoy the outrage that would follow.
last christmas
i saved me some plums
the very next day
you ate them anywaynext year
to save me from tears
i’ll eat all my plums for dinner
the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk
No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.
My mom just told me she’s been watching that “Game of Thongs” show.
Gawd I hope she’s just saying it wrong.
forrest gump (1994): this film gave me very unrealistic expectations of what my life would be like as a huge idiot. 2/10
When I see city workers planting a tree I’m like dude… who’s side are you on?
Did you know that Mark Zuckerberg and the guy who played the blue Power Ranger are cousins? Just not to each other. But they are cousins.
I miss this era type of pranks😭
Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You’re distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.