WAITER: How is everything?
ME: Soul crushing and void of meaning
W: I meant your meal
M: Soul crushing, void of meaning, and needs salt
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I can’t believe we live in a world where people actually pay money to run in a race.
Pay me $50 and I’ll make your life a living hell for an afternoon without the cardio.
While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.
That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt
HER: *Points to my dish* I’ll have what he’s having
ME:*Blocks plate w/ my arms* This is mine
H: No, I mea-
M:*To waiter* Tell her it’s mine
me linking you to my twitter
the Craigslist guy who sold me a bookshelf today showed me all the staples in his stomach from the surgery he just had. But that’s on me for forgetting to ask him to specifically not do that.
My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it’s passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.
*after spending a solid 15 minutes listening to someone describe a tv show I’ll never watch*
I’ll definitely check it out.
“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.
No, it’s not what you think.
I just watched Hook.
all these boys want a goth girlfriend but don’t study the moves of one gomez addams.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.
When you say married… Do you mean married married… or just married?
Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket
me: [walks into a darkened room of people holding hands around a table] what are you guys doing
psychic: *whispers* seance
me: ance
Me: I’ll take Complete The Phrase for $1000.
Alex Trebek: If you love someone, you should set them…
Me: What is “on fire”, Alex.
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
Always trust your dog’s first impression of someone.
Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.
Robin Hood [hands over stolen fortune]: here you are, my poor friend
Friend: wow thanks. I’m rich!
Robin [narrows eyes]: you’re what
They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.
I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.
Some people were born into their job.
Everybody values honesty, until they have an ugly baby.
Don’t let anyone talk you into dropping a grudge. I quit carrying mine around and I’m pretty sure that’s when my arms got flabby.
My typo game is string.
Being good at customer service is essentially jingling keys in the face of adults.
Her: You know, I hear a lot of guys are celebrating St. Patrick’s Day this year with a quiet dinner at home.
Me: Yea, the nursing home…
GUY 1: I beat cancer
GUY 2: I backpacked thru Europe
GUY 1: So what?
GUY 2: And I didn’t tell anyone about it when I got back
GUY 1: You win
him: you’re a riot
me: which one
him: haha it’s an expres-
me: i am the haymarket riot of 1886
him: ok…
me: im not some potato riot