me: hey have you seen my keys?
patient I just operated on: no
me: go like this *wiggles*
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3yo hit her big sister then asked if I was calling the police. she wasn’t scared she was testing to see if I’d snitch
If you get a call from a telemarketer, give the phone to a child and tell them it’s #Santa.
don’t hate robert altman’s 1992 satirical comedy “the player” hate david fincher’s 1997 psychological thriller “the game”
I don’t make the rules sorry
Tip for drowning your enemies:
Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.
Clown: *twisting balloon* any requests?
Me: how about a dog
Clown: one dog coming up
Stranger: THE GATES OF HELL HAVE OPENED! THE ARMIES OF THE DAMNED ARE UPON US!
Clown: *stops twisting*
Me: ok a sword I guess
My mother-in-law makes me feel like a champion race car driver…by grabbing onto the door handle and screaming the entire drive
ethics professor: ur failing my class
me: [slides over $20] how about now
Oh thank god, you wouldn’t want your kid to ruin family booze night
cute girl: can i have ur number?
me: [sweating nervously] then what number am i gonna use
Talking vulture: You dead yet? What about now? OK, I’ll wait.
Not saying the carpet needs cleaning but I just dropped a donut and now it’s an everything bagel.
Him: *running* That’s not what they mean when they say, “Chicks dig scars!”
Me: *shovel in hand* It’s what this chick means.
Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.
How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8
My organic chemistry class was at 7am and the teacher stressed how important it was for us to get enough sleep… so I slept in class.
Honestly, guys. I’ve got a fox stuck in my washing machine. WHAT THE ACTUAL FOX
I wear my fitness tracker to bed. If I’m making 2 trips a night to the bathroom, I’m damn well getting credit for them.
sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big
When you see a picture of my kids and it’s captioned “The reason I wake up every day” it’s not me being sweet. It’s the truth, I literally cannot sleep-in with these little heathens in the house.
Apparently my wife believes that if she didn’t tell me where to turn when I’m driving I’d just keep going straight until I hit an ocean.
{During Mass}
Priest: Can someone please check on the woman screaming the rosary in the confessional booth?
I’d rather get killed by the Blair Witch on the first night than have to camp another night.
Wife: We’re going to Jessie’s BBQ today.
Me: She’s the one with the big—
Wife: They’re fake!
Me: So?-liveTweeting from the DogHouse
Ashley Madison website is having problems. But instead of addressing them directly, it’ll just look for a younger hotter website on the side
(Face painter at kid’s birthday party): …and what shall I paint on your face?
Me: Enthusiasm.
[two coworkers walk into my office]
Coworkers: Hey! It’s your two favorite people here to ask you a question!
Me: Where?
5 just asked if I was older than Grandma so Christmas at our house is canceled.
Me: No work tomorrow so I’m sleeping in.
Kids: LOL
Dog: LOL
Brain: LOL
Bladder: LOL
I just filled up my gas tank and went to a movie and bought a large soda and popcorn, I spent roughly 7000 dollars.