If you have to wait a while to get a fast food order, say, “I thought this was FAST food.” The place will never recover from that mega burn
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It’s the shortest day. Mind your head.
god: [looking down at earth] let me see your binoculars for a sec
angel: [perspiring freely] promise you won’t get mad
Whenever I’m worried I messed up with my wife I remember that time my brother gave an anniversary card to his current wife on the date of his first marriage
I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”
Me *walks in a perfectly straight line and then smiles at cop* told you I could do it!
Cop: you’re still getting arrested for murder though
You can tell me any plot of land is an acre and I will have no choice but to believe you.
me:
professor x: yes, i can read minds
me:
professor x: yes, i suppose the name alvin and the chimpmunks alludes to he himself not being one
I’m going to be a printer today and just not work.
20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf
Him: These candles are so romantic!
Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.
I don’t know why these Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.
Me: Please, call me John. No need to be all fancy with titles and last names.
Drill sergeant: …
‘Always be prepared’ apparently doesn’t apply to ANY OF THE PEOPLE IN FRONT OF ME AT THE PASSPORT FACILITY
Wow, this is a really nice sturdy box, I should keep it in the attic for the next 20 years.
Netflix to unveil new ad sponsored content in a move that industry executives call “Television.”
I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.
Greatest days of my life:
3) Day I got married
2) Day my first kid was born
1) Day Facebook let you turn off notifications for their games
I want to do the #nakedchallenge to see my boyfriend’s reaction, I just need a tiktok account and a boyfriend
6yo: “Mom, I’m excited that it’s my first eclipse, but I’m sad that it’s your last.” 💀
fiancé: please take off my bra and my skirt
me: *seductively takes off her bra and her skirt*
fiancé: if i catch you wearing my stuff again, i swear to god i’m gonna murder you
Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.
#BadTimeTravelAdvice Plague, shmlague. 13th century Europe is where it’s at!
Him: Baby imma call you back, im in the middle of a shootout.
Her: Yea w.e, tell that bitch I said she can have you.
I’m a people pleaser, unless you don’t like that. Then I’m not.
Me: [Nudges friend] You should see what I just wrote on the bathroom wall.
Friend: Uh… You do know we’re at my house right?
[being murdered]
me: thanks for doing this
12 Signs You Might Have Leprosy – Number 8 is jaw-dropping!
4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble
Me: I’ll take a double cheeseburger, large fries and supersized coke…
Nurse: Sir, this is a colonoscopy
Me: Whatcha doin’?
5: Whatcha doin’?
Me: Are you copying me?
5: Are you copying me?
Me: I’m adopted
5: I’m adop- WHAT?