With KFC’s announcement they’ve created an edible coffee cup, the chain is ready to face its next challenge: creating edible food.
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Me: Wow that is spicy. Wooo! *fanning mouth* What is it called?
Her: Sparkling water.
My account was hacked so if you saw some really weird posts or received some strange DMs, those were the ones that were definitely from ME. Anything else was the hackers.
I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.
I hate it when I’m naked and all lathered up with soap and then run out of quarters at the car wash.
“Nothing wins you an election better than noise pollution.” – Political rallies.
Man Derives Depressing Amount Of Pride From Hometown Burger Chain
Yeah….seems legit. *dusts off hands* another customer satisfied.
when the solution to your problem doesn’t exist on stack overflow:
“Up for anything unless my gout flares up.”
– from my dating profile
When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”
Are you having a nice Tuesday or did your daughter remember this morning that she volunteered to bring 150 baby carrots to school today?
“I got you, babe.”
– kidnappers
If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…
The worst part of working remotely is the lack of structure. No one staring at me and tapping their watch if I take a long lunch. Unlimited bathroom breaks. Humans are not meant to live this way
Normalise screaming “404 ERROR” and sprinting out the room during conversations you want to end
I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself
My husband proposed two days after Valentine’s day so that every year he could get me discounted flowers and chocolates on the anniversary instead of the holiday
Nietzsche: God is dead
God: Nietzsche is dead
[they both turn to camera]
THAT’S RIGHT, WE’RE DEAD SERIOUS ABOUT OUR MATTRESS PRICES
Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.
Me: I want to-
Boss: Do not tell me you want to quit!
Me: What?!! That word isn’t even in my vocabulary!
Boss: Ok good. Go on
Me: I want to stop working here
[couples therapy]
HER: His obsession with Star Wars is tearing us apart
ME: *covering my Yoda doll’s ears* Hear you he can, Karen
People who are bad at hiding, I see you
My dad had a weird sense of humor. When I was 5, I tried to “dig a hole to China.” The next day when I went back to dig more, there were egg rolls in the hole
Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.
–Moms
boss: you’re late
me: and you are not the father
Sometimes my sarcasm doesn’t deliver well and people miss the message. Anyway that’s why I’m stabbing you.
“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.
(Me, on my way in an Uber to a sexy party)
Uber Driver: Going to a party?
Me: Yes actually
Uber Driver: A family party?
Me: God I hope not
Is my bath bomb supposed to be ticking?
When I have to go back to work again, I’ll have to leave messages ranting about my job on my answering machine at least 6 times a day because the cats have grown accustomed to it