I’m not a very religious person…until it’s 94 degrees and the power goes out.
At that point I pray to every god, savior and deity from that “COEXIST” bumper sticker.
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saving this screenshot for the next translation/ localisation debate, excellent work everyone
I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.
her: isn’t my baby beautiful
me: *don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
he’s…preciousher: you said all of that out loud
Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.
card machine: insert chip card into reader
me: ok
card machine: do NOT remove card
me: uhh ok i wo-
card machine: REMOVE THE CARD YOU PIECE OF SHIT
Wife: Our dog was put down and then my husband died, it was tough
Medium *nodding* he was the love of your life
Wife: Yes of course!
Medium: He has something to say to you
Wife: omg go on
Medium: woof
Protip: If your wife says don’t put your oversized grilling spatula and tongs in the dishwasher, just hand wash them, she means right then.
I jump from the skyscraper’s ledge, performing 3 graceful somersault, right into the arms of a hot firefighter. Neither of us survive impact
My funeral instructions to my family were to have me cremated, and I told my best friends under no circumstances should I be cremated.
That pile of clothes on my bed, seems to have strange powers and gets higher on its own
“Clean up after yourselves. Your mother doesn’t live here!” I holler at my kids, completely forgetting several key details.
ROMAN SOLDIER: Which one of you is Spartacus?
REBEL SLAVE 1: I’M SPARTACUS!
REBEL SLAVE 2: I’M SPARTACUS!
ME: I’m Scartapus! No, wait, I mean I’m Sta…I’m Spor… I’m Sharktopus! I’m–
ROMAN SOLDIER: Stop, we get it.
ME: Yeah, you get it. I’m that guy. *pointing at Spartacus*
client: i’m nervous
attorney: relax
prosecutor: the defendant is guilty
attorney: oh my god [looks at client]
client: what
attorney: you said you were innocent
[doing crunches]
Me: get it? ab solution?
Priest: so excommunicated
Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*
Everybody: *Hurts*
“Kill Bill” but it’s me hunting down whoever stole my sandwich from the break room fridge.
Just pointed out to my in-laws that their anniversary falls on hump day, so follow me for more tips on creating awkward family moments.
A candle with no wick, is just wax, but a wick with no wax, is just string.
What else… ummm… no, I guess that concludes my TED Talk.
I’m sorry…
…but Cujo did NOT go to heaven.
The spider I saw in the bathroom ran under the trash and disappeared. I know I was going to kill it but I still think that’s rude.
If my girlfriend hired cheaters they’d just tell her “the whole goddamn day, he looked up from his phone twice and once it was to sneeze”
Having allergies is so embarrassing. Could I have some medicine? I’m being bullied by the air.
My dating profile:
Every time you make a typo, the errorists win.
The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night
Apparently it’s okay for the office to have “casual Friday’s,” but “nudist Tuesday’s” are frowned upon. How embarrassing for me.
cop: are you high?
me: if i was high could i do this? *vaults over car hood and does 360 no scope*
cop: did you just say “asterisk vaults ov
The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild
* sleeps in middle of bed
Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.
A drum solo but on your face.