Me: I like the cuddles more than the rough hugs.
Coach: Again, they’re called “huddles” and “tackles.”
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Receiving multiple letters of complaint from the deer in my area. Apparently the deer whistles I put on my car were the sexist kind. I had no idea.
Sometimes you just need to dance naked in the kitchen. The manager at this Burger King seems to feel differently though.
I’m a comedian the way a potato is a battery
i dont know much about politics but have we ever tried turning a senator into a llama and teaming him up with a working guy to teach him empathy
[Millennial Antiques Roadshow]
Appraiser: The beige color & stretched coils indicate this was the cord to a…landline phone.
*crowd gasps
“It’s possible to touch birds!” I say suddenly. My coworkers stare at me. I wander outside to touch some birds.
I would describe most of my social interactions at parties as “when you turn on the kitchen faucet and the water hits a spoon in the sink”
Me
At 18: hoping for world peace
At 48: hoping my wife laughs at the meme I show her
me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco
I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.
Like that whole spinach in the teeth thing, I never know if it’s polite to tell a lizard person when they have a little tear in their human suit.
Omg, will you pick ONE name and stick with it ffs
– my dog
“What an awesome body-”
Oh… thanks. I work out-
“- of research.”
– formulas. I work out formulas. *sips tea* I do a lot of math.
Doctor: How long ago did you injure your shoulder?
Women: 9:45am on Monday at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 2002
“Boo!” — cow with a cold
The closest I am getting to a tropical vacation is a coconut scented shampoo…
I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.
Watermelons are just overweight diabetic cucumbers
Me:[holding toy] And WHY don’t we make them fight??
Kid:[sighing] Because the last stegosaurus died 83 million years before T-Rex evolved
Smooth, elegant, complex and full-bodied. But enough about me, this wine is fantastic.
left this note on the counter last night and my dad called me out of my room to talk about it
I’m not a jealous person but seriously, if you star her tweets one more time I’m going to squeeze the balls of this vodoo doll so hard…
“Mmmm Brians”
– a dyslexic or gay zombie
My son patted my arm lovingly and said sweetly, ‘you are not the meanest mom,’ so now I know what to put on my new coffee mug.
Being married means never admitting you were the last one to see the item that is now lost.
Me: Man I love the eighties
Grandparents: We have names
-Wouldn’t it be nice, if we changed who’s the center of attention every 10 minutes, everybody could benefit
-Sir, this is a funeral
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
“Since you both claim to be this infant’s mother, we’ll cut the baby in half.”
OK.
Sounds reasonable.
“Y…uh, alright then. Let’s do this.”
I gotta go grocery shopping. I’m the only snack left in the house.