Grey’s Anatomy is actually one of the best existential horror artworks ever made. It chronicles the 20 year desperation of a single woman – Miranda Bailey – to get her coworkers to stop ***king and killing themselves for long enough to save anyone’s life. She never wins.
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Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy.
Unless your wife finds out.
I either need to win the lottery or get bitten by a vampire and gain the power of the night. But preferably the lottery.
Weighing your giraffe: a guide:
1) Become VERY strong
2) Weigh yourself
3) Weigh yourself again, holding your giraffe
4) Subtract figure one from figure two
feeling some mixed emotions while eating dried apricots because it’s like i’m eating human ears but they’re tasty
Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going
If I had a dime for every time my kids called mom I could buy my own island but my kids would still find me.
My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.
[On a treadmill next to a girl at the gym]
Me: *Out of breath* Feeling the burn?
Her: Yup
Me: Me too!
Her: How? Your machine isn’t even on
Desire to not get beat up > Desire to wear a cloak
You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.
[commercial for evaporated milk]
IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?
Let’s give a big round of applause to everyone on Facebook who went to the gym today even though they “hate it”!! They are the real heroes.
My 4-year-old has a tummyache and before she went to bed she asked how you get the egg out of your body, so that’s how I found out she’s spent her whole life thinking we get tummyeggs when we don’t feel well.
I’m told as a lady in my 30s I shouldn’t wear certain things anymore – like halter tops, pigtails, and the scalps of my vanquished enemies.
A guy just offered to buy me a drink. I declined, but heard him say lesbo to his pal. I replied “Only for you, baby”. Now he feels special.
I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.
Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.
ZOMBIE: *squishing brains through fingers* got your knows
Got the trays mixed up after dinner at a Chinese place. Ate the check & paid a fortune.
Saying “unwanted houseguests” is redundant. I just call them houseguests.
Trump is the perfect candidate for American guys who secretly believe they could come out of the stands and score a touchdown
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: watching Doc McStuffins.
Wife: but the kids are in bed.
Me: so?
Wife: aren’t you a little old to watch cartoons?
Me: aren’t you a little old to shop at Forever 21?
Wife:
Me:
Wife: so what’s this episode about?
me: *summoning the hot dog demon by nailing a shitload of hot dogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hot dog demon: not you again
What did I do before Twitter? Well, there’s my family and……OH MY GOD WHERE’S MY FAMILY?!?!
[commercial]
“This commercial is so confusing. I wish they would just tell us what they’re selling”
narrator: Narrators
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: ohhhhh, hampire
How wrong was this guy?
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
Not to victim blame but if cat no want be held like baby then why baby sized
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I invited a couple to a party that she’s planning without telling her.