Doctor said I got this skin rash from an unusually high intake of cream & chocolate. Said it’s the worst case of Cadbury Eggsama he’s seen.
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Pronounces Beyoncé as Bouncy
Just to piss off my kids
I’m now on year 3 of the ‘7 day ab challenge’
My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.
I’ve got a joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s attractive daughter. It’s pretty niche.
Dance like nobody’s watching.
Do the dishes like nobody’s watching.
Change into that robe like nobody’s watching. No, the other one.
Dating – Do you want to share my cheesecake?
Married- Touch my cheesecake and I’ll end you.
i did the math
Me: They call me snowcone
Him: Sweet and fun to lick?
Me: In a constant state of meltdown
Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?
Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless
“Let the jerk-off begin!”
As the other contestants begin seasoning their meats I look at my bottle of lotion and realize I’ve misunderstood
I’m not totally useless, I can be used as a bad example.
[wife comes out wearing pretty dress]
me: that’s my favorite dress
wife: aww, how swee-
m: take it off
w: but we need to-
m: I wanna wear it
Just so you know, anytime I’ve said, ‘duly noted,’ I ain’t noting shit.
My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.
Wife: It’s fine
*Miles away an old sea captain* My knee is a tingling. Aye a storm is headed this way
teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door
firefox refused to restore my session that i’ve had going for 2+ years….
over 7k tabs down the drain….
ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.
male cult leader: I have received a new revelation from the lord
me: let me guess, he wants you to have multip—
cult leader: I am to have multiple wives
How people walk when they’re:
DATING *holding hands*
ENGAGED *arms locked*
MARRIED *one person is 5 feet in front of the other and yelling back at them for parking so far away*
They named it Galaxy Note because when you take this thing out of your pocket, the entire Galaxy can note that it’s been taken out.
When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.
The soft snowflakes swirling in the night sky remind me of the time mom had too much gin and threw a roast duck at dad for taking her youth.
Him: Wanna bump uglies, baby?
Me: Ooh, yes please!* Grabs two ugly people and starts smacking them against each other. *
My parents couldn’t understand how my wife could divorce me.
Until I moved back in with them.
SISTER: i’m engaged!
ME: awwwwwwwwewwww
SISTER: did you sneak an ‘ew’ in there
ME: …no
[War of 1812]
American: Let’s invade the British North.
Other American: Upper or Lower Canada?
A: idgaf
LATER:
9 had to write three facts on sea animals for homework and the first fact she reported was, “Many people start fan clubs for sea otters,” so hopefully the next assignment incorporates some gentle reminders on fact-checking.