I wore a training bra for years and these things still don’t listen to a word I say
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Hostess: Are you staying for dessert?
Me: Oh no, I couldn’t. I’m too full. (ice cream dripping from my purse)
My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.
Happy Father’s day to all the dads out there trying to keep the front door closed so u don’t AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD. COME ON
To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You’re a bad person.
Me *swallows pride*
Baby lion: holy shit
Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks
This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.
r/relationships
I (36m) met my girlfriend (32f) at the exact moment after i sucked helium from a balloon to do a funny voice for a buddy. now weve been together 8 months & Im constantly having to suck helium from balloons when shes not looking because she thinks that’s my voice
Ovulating in your forties is like a going out of business sale.
In order for us to go on vacation we need to start by unpacking from our last vacation.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Blockbuster: 😭 yes
I wasted my best smelling years on people who didn’t deserve me.
@SchmuckOnAHorse “Dad, why is my sister named Teresa?”
“Because your Mom loves anagrams, and Teresa is an anagram of Easter, the day she was conceived.”
“Thanks, Dad.”
“No problem, Alan.”
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.
Me: time for bed
Brain: yeah I’m tired too
M: really? wow we may actually get some slee-
B: hey do you think anyone’s died in this house?
BOB THE BUILDER: Can we fi-
MACGYVER: Done.
Wife: *working a crossword* Seven letter word for female.
Me: Ironman
Wife: Get out!
daughter: and this one?
me: also carrots
daughter: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 3 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
Just made an annoying kid shut right up by making a throat slash gesture.
So I guess you could say I’m like a child whisperer.
If you don’t pay your exorcist
You get repossessed
Going to a DaBaby concert because I need some alone time, and I know no one else will be there.
me: everything is the same, but when the bread is done it pops out a little more so that you can grab it without burning your hand
toaster company ceo: I still don’t get it
Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep. we landed a robot on mars.
Scientists today: for the last time, the earth is round.
The dog was pooping and before he finished a woman approached me and asked “Are you going to pick this up?” I picked it up and replied to her “I have no choice, this is my food”, and I walked away.
I can’t wait to eat chips. If I had known Lent was so long I would not have given up chips.
– 11, missing the point of Lent
Me: and this is my house
Friend: what’s upstairs
Me: stairs don’t talk
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: disappointing people
professor x: I was expecting a much better answer
me: see?
My 3yo plays a version of hide-and-seek where if you find her, she cries.
I got mom shamed for giving my kid a chicken nugget like there are way worse things I do to my kids I promise you they won’t be telling their therapist about the chicken nuggets