There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.
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Illegal immigration is not a new problem. Native Americans used to call it “White People”
Schools: Children need consistency and routine
Also schools: Daily class times will be the lucky numbers from your fortune cookie
My reactions
1st child’s problems: I WILL fix this!!
2nd child’s problems: Let me know if you need help.
3rd child’s problems: Good luck.
Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.
How long do you have to wait between naps?
*group chat*
Fellas, I think it’s time. I think I’m finally ready to be a dad.
[Tamagotchi has requested to join the chat]
How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?
6y/o: “Mom, can I brush your hair?”
Me: “Well, you don’t really brush curly hair, but…that’s fine.”
6y/o, after spending 40 minutes brushing my hair: *puts the hood of my sweatshirt over my hair* “That’s better. Just keep that on.”
When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.
Roombae.
Me: your shoes are on the wrong feet
4yo:
Me: …….
4yo:………
Me :
4yo : but I don’t have any other feet
Me : fair enough –__–
Sweep her off her feet, but not like the bad guy from Karate Kid.
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
Shopping online and betting on which shipments arrive by the estimated delivery dates because I don’t feel like going to a casino to lose money.
Anyone else see a huge missed opportunity here?
What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?
Losing weight
Pros:
– fit into fashionable clothes
– less chub rub
– can be picked up & carriedCons:
– fit into beauty standards
– less likely that thighs will merge into eachother and become a mermaid tail
– can be picked up & carried
God: thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife
Joseph:
God: starrrrrting now
I read through all of What To Expect When You’re Expecting and it did nothing to prepare me for the day my teenager started calling me ‘bro’
Yeah ok whatever, bassist. Stand over there being all tall and quiet and keeping the rhythm together. Just look at the drummer and exchange your little knowing glances like you know you want to.
I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn’t sound challenging enough.
Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.
sergio leone: i’m going to name my next movie after you
the good: nice
the bad: cool
me: what’s it called?
Domino’s: FREE PIZZA
Me: sweet finally
Domino’s: ONLY $10 add $20 worth of stuff to cart???????
Me: uh what happened to free?
Domino’s: SINCE YOURE DONATING YOUR CHECK TO US PLS DONATE TO ST JUDE
Me: ok can I have my free pizza and make a donation?
Domino’s: NOW YOUR TOTAL…
[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much
anyone who thinks chickens come out of eggs is an idiot. have you ever seen a chicken? it’s like 500 times the size of an egg. jesus christ
I once had a coworker friend tell me how her son was arrested in another country, and she had to buy gift cards and send them by “special delivery” person who picked them up, to bail him out. I laughed out loud (couldn’t help myself) so hard, she never spoke to me again.
For $5 I’ll comment on your exes new relationship status saying “you gave me herpes!”
You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.
Coating a few marbles in melted chocolate to mix in with my Whoppers as a surprise for future me.
Turns out Leaf Blower Guy, my neighbour of 10 years, knows my actual name so I guess I’m left with no choice but to do the adult thing here and find out his by stealing his mail.