The more I learn about Myself the more atheist I become.
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I’m not saying it’s been a while, but, the last time a girl got down on her knees for me, she showed me how to tie my shoelaces.
Me: HALLOWEEN!!!
Ween: Hallo!
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
DATE: I want someone that is focused on their own personal growth
ME: [to the waiter] On second thought, I’ll have two lasagnas, this evening
Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me
Studies say people with high IQ are lazy. Of course I didn’t read the entire article.
If I had the power to time travel, I’d use it to go back ten minutes when I screwed up a handshake and accidentally interlocked pinkies
My favourite parallel universe is the one in which, having woken from a nap, I walk over to my dog, have a nice stretch, and just as I think the praise and adoration has peaked, there is a new high as the dog warmly acknowledges my technique with an excited: “ooh, big stretch!”
Find someone who holds onto you as tightly as the twitter algorithm does that subject you clicked on once 6 months ago
If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.
Me: How was school?
Toddler: Candice has a different mom.
Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.
Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.
hmm didn’t realize until coronavirus how shocking it is to walk into a public men’s room and see all the sinks actually being used
My husband ordered a hearing aid off of Amazon. I’m so screwed you guys.
Guy 1: guess I shouldn’t get in the water
Guy 2: why
Guy 2: well it’s shark week
Guy 1: that’s…that’s not what shark week is
8-year-old: I upgraded my blanket fort.
Me: It looks the same as before.
8: I added more snacks.
Finally, some meaningful renovations.
My cousins baby child keeps pointing at me and saying ‘cat’
me: I put a siren on your car
cop: what’s that soun–
*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*
[Googling instructions for disarming a bomb]
For me, disarming bombs is indelibly linked to afternoons spent in my grandmother’s kitchen, watching her carefully iron the parchment paper that the nitroglycerin came bound in (to be reused at Christm
[Hurried scrolling]
Him: If you’re waiting for me to apologize…
Me: No…no…I’m just waiting to see if you leave any fries behind when you walk away.
Me working remotely from home:
“Sorry I’m late to the Zoom, I got caught up in another *meeting that ran over.”
*moving laundry from washer to dryer
If you’re not going to offer booze at your wedding, at least have the decency to provide a wifi password.
Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree
me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”
Hey dude that invented the unicycle…
Where were you wanting to go ?
then not go,
then go,
then not go,
then get bored and juggle
Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.
Everyone on the bus thinks that they are the main character, when in reality the main character is the bus
Work tip: Anytime someone leaves a room, ominously say, “And they never saw him again.”
Diarrhea is too hard to spell so I call it crapplesauce
I still have a landline…
or as I call it a
Cell Phone Finder