My attachment style is PDF which is why older people don’t know how to get me to open up half the time
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Had to get a new washer dryer (17 yrs! Thanks Maytag) and the guys installing it asked “you didn’t make this your wife’s Christmas present right?”
“No”
“Cause the guy at the last house did and that was a bad scene man”
I tried to find the quickest checkout by jumping grocery lanes and now I think I’m stuck in the line to pay respects to Queen Elizabeth.
18 hasn’t had a haircut since the start of the pandemic, yesterday he let 20 cut his hair so he could donate it, today the post office lady asked what I was sending and I said a ponytail and not another word, anyway, I’m expecting to be on a list by end of day.
[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom
[Installing ceiling fan]
Me: drill…screwdriver… tape…there finished!Wife on the phone: Is this Bob’s fix-it shop? Yeah, he just got done.
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
Me: The dog gives me more kisses because he loves me the most.
Him: No, it’s because you never wipe the ice cream off your chin.
a group of ocelots is called an awfelot
her: did you wrestle in high school?
me: do my emotions count?
[Doctor’s Office]
Seal: My flippers are sore.
Killer Whale Doctor: Hmm interesting, swim a little closer into my jaws- I MEAN ONTO THE TABLE
ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEACHER: I don’t know, CAN you?
BILLY: *Sigh* MAY I sacrifice a goat to the great demon Belphegor?
TEACHER: Maybe after crafts.
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
“I’m a very private person” – people who are on back to back reality shows
“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”
~me, when I can’t open the cheese
Interviewer: Biggest weakness?
Me: The delusions
Interviewer: Like what?
Me: Sometimes I think I’m being interviewed
Bus driver: where are your pants?
The leather seats in your car waiting for you to wear shorts on a hot day
It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.
the guy who keeps stealing my packages is really gonna love my latest order, “giant beehive (1 count)”
[interview]
Your résumé says you have a “take no prisoners attitude”. You know you are applying to be a corrections officer, right?
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: I’m more of a-
ME: CHECK PLEASE
At my age getting lucky means having the house to myself
Beer enthusiasts should have an OnlyCans.
My dad’s shop teacher cut off another finger while demonstrating how he accidentally cut off the first one. It reminds of the second time I got married.
Host: Congratulations! You won the hot dog eating contest!
Me: *mouth full, sitting off to the side of the stage* The what?
I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.
You look so perfect standing there,
In my American Apparel underwear,
But I know now you probably opened the wrong Christmas present grandma
Still kinda pissed off that Octo-mom only has 2 arms
My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.
People choosing to not hang their laundry out to dry anymore is why I’m having a hard time improving my wardrobe.
8: What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me: I want you to do some chores.
8: That’s not special, though. You always ask us to do chores.
Me: Yes. The special part will be if you actually do them.