Me: could you put me in touch with my dead wife?
Spiritist: not tonight love.
Me: wow! It’s like she’s in the room.
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*two turtles strapping themselves to a sleeping cheetah*
Just you wait, Carl! This is gonna be awesome!
On our way back from hotel pool, door card doesn’t work. Francophone BF heads to reception to get new card and returns.
Him: Wow, there was a huge line up at reception but when I told them I had a wet girlfriend waiting at the door they all let me in..
When you give them a gift card to a restaurant because you don’t like them enough to take to dinner.
The Avengers were horrified until they realized most of the people who disappeared when Thanos snapped his fingers were people who don’t realize turn signals exist.
Her: Sorry I’m late to work. I was talking to my husband and he wouldn’t stop listening.
WIFE: you need a haircut
ME: I do not
WIFE: *whistles and a little bird pops up on top of my head, chirping*
ME: shhhh, she just had babies
Overheard a couple in this restaurant fighting, so I fake proposed to my wife to add a lil fuel to that fire.
*Now with 50 percent less fat*
Me: ooooh *buys two*
They call it “childbirth” lest we get confused and give birth to a full grown adult.
Me (seductively looking at a potato): would mash.
[prison]
PRISONER: what’s for breakfast
GUARD: every meal is bread & water
PRISONER: [is a duck] oh baby
I still use the word “dude”.
I don’t give a dude.
I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.
Just dropped my youngest off at a park to go play with some friends and now my wife is texting me all these questions I don’t know the answers to like “Was another parent there” and “how long will she be there” and “which park” and “why can’t you remember which park”
A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.
For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.
My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run
the first 10 minutes of going to anyone’s place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens
I miss the good old days, when more people were catapulted.
Another great day of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant. Today I helped a young man in his search for love ❤️👍
I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
Nothing’s stopping you from doing a book signing. You don’t have to have written a book, there are plenty of them just lying around
You may think a squirt of water in the face is the best way to reprimand cats but turns out it works pretty well on people too.
it’s funny they call them “unidentified flying objects”. I could identify them right away. those are ufos
Me: So I don’t get to pet animals until my sadness is cured?
Nail Technician: No ma’am. A “pedicure” is a treatment for your toenails and feet.
M:
NT:
M:
NT: Please don’t cry.
Me: puts butter on banana bread
Also me: blames weight on aging
[At Restaurant]
Server: Hope you are hungry.
Me: I am
Server: Is this your first time?
Me: No, I’ve been hungry before.
Me: At least I’ve lost 5 lbs over the past week because of my depression
Therapist: Great, but happiness is our focus, not your weight loss, and you may gain it back once you achieve the feeli-
Me: OH MY GOD PEGGY CAN YOU JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE
Look, I’m just saying it might be financially viable to use rice cakes instead of spray foam insulation
I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.