Sexting:
Him: What do you like in the bedroom?
Me: Sleeping.
Him: No, I meant what can I do to make you happy in the bedroom?
Me: Close the door on your way out.
Him: No, I meant…
Me: Also lock the door.
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Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.
Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don’t know what is real anymore!
My MIL is savage. She got into an argument with her husband while we were staying at their house, and when I posted photos of our weekend with them, she liked each of my photos except the one he was in.
Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*
Me: This has been the worst day. Nothing can fix this.
*dog climbs on sofa, puts head in my lap*
M: I have never been happier in my life.
Been yelling i need a job at my phone for 6 hrs each day so that I get targeted ads about jobs. Now the jobs are looking for me.
me: one taco plz
“Bro, this is Subway”
me: sorry [leaning in] one footlong taco plz
Me: Can you describe the suspect?
Him: He was heavily armed
Me *writing octopus* this is bad
Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside
Me, leaving my child home alone: Call me if there’s an emergency.
My child, calling me 2 minutes later: Do you know where the Oreos are?
Her: Who ate all the ice cream?
Me: *blaming the dog* Reese
Her: What? How?
Me: Witherspoon
If the murder robots look like wall•e I will betray all of you
Absolutely cannot wait for the Jonas Brothers’ third film: Happiness Ends.
I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it
Ever read stuff here on social media and then think to yourself, “Why is NASA diverting asteroids? Just let them come.”
Tried arranging dinner out but AC changed eat to war so I arrived to find the whole family laying siege to this Taco Bell.
* Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *
Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….
what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell
Cat: WHERE AM GO?
Me: uh
Cat: PLS DO NOT SAY VET
Me: well
Me: um
Cat: U HAVE BETRAYED CAT
Writing a work email:
“…I have an unexpected conflict…”My autocorrect:
“…I have an unexpected condom…”
The AC guy is coming tomorrow and I expect him to fix all of my typos
“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm
Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think
The downside to being such a good man is all the s*xual excitement it evokes in my admirers. As such, I’ve had to create a series of automated messages in my DMs to deal with all the s*xy texting requests
I haven’t tweeted about murder for a while and that’s exactly how a real killer would put you at ease.
My dentist not only specializes in treating cavities, but he also sells gasoline for your car. Basically he runs two filling stations.
“Go to hell” is so abstract. “Get trapped in a porta potty for 67 months.” Now that’s specific. That’s possible. That’s terrifying.
{At funeral}
*holding widows hand* I’m sorry for your loss. He had so much updog
“What’s updog?”
*pats her hand* Not much what’s up with you
[2018]
SON: I have the sniffles.
WIFE: Let’s get you to the ER![1986]
ME: I just took half my finger off with the saw!
DAD: Go get the hydrogen peroxide and a stapler.
ME: …
DAD: Grab me a beer on your way.