I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.
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I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bearsThey really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes
A shark, a crocodile and a giant spider walk into a bar.
There’s no punchline. It’s just a typical night in Australia.
My 9yo on Shark Tank:
“It’s a shirt, but look, it’s also a napkin!”
me: (reaches for the bill) no no, i got it
my date, grabbing her stuff to leave my apartment: thank u for paying your own electric bill
Trying
i used to side with chief brody but now i’m team mayor because the shark’s only gonna eat 1-2 more people & he’ll be stuffed. we’ll sell soo many shark toys
People in Jersey say “you’re welcome” not to be polite but to remind people to say thank you.
partygoer: so your wife is a lifeguard
me: yep
partygoer: and you’re a tennis umpire
me: that’s right
partygoer: where did you two meet
me: tall chair store
Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.
My wife has close friends whose husbands are notably worse than me and I highly recommend this arrangement
Why is called “emotional baggage” and not a “griefcase”?
My proper Mom said to get fully dressed for a party and then remove one item.
But people always give me odd looks when I don’t wear pants.
hate those people that go 15+ years without talking to you and then the first thing they say when they see you is “hows your mom?” like, dude,, youre my dad, you should know
doctor: i have the results of your cholesterol test
me: did i pass? haha
doctor: no but you will very soon
[bedtime]
Me: What’s in vegetable oil?
Daughter: Vegetables
M: And olive oil?
D: Olives
M: And baby oil?
D:
*I turn out the lights and leave
“You wastrel” I scream after pausing to look up bad person in my thesaurus.
Detective: cause of death
Coroner: too long in a sensory deprivation tank
Detective: that makes no sense
Coroner: i know what it does Dave
Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.
am dying at this guy in the abercrombie&fitch netflix documentary explaining the concept of a shopping mall
I have a thing for older men. Not cuz I have ‘daddy issues’, but because I also like to eat dinner at 4:30 and be asleep by 8pm.
Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.
MOTHER-IN-LAW: There are Thanksgiving leftovers in the freezer
ME: Thanks but I…quit cold turkey
MIL: I never wanted you in this family
God: you’re a dove.
Dove: ok.
God: do you know what that means?
Dove: white pigeon?
God: what-no it means I’ve chosen you to represent my Holy Spirit.
Dove: [scared] g-ghost pigeon?
It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.
No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.
[hospital]
“We found the problem. There’s an entire sheep in your stomach.”
“Is that bahahaad?”
“Yes. It’s causing some internal bleating.”
It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.
Streaming Service: We think this wholesome comedy would be great!
Me: hmmm
Streaming: How about thoughtful calm drama parallel of life
Me: 🤔
Streaming: ok…how about a depressing cult docu-series that will fill you with a rage that will not die
Me: ya ya that’s the one
mcdonalds: may I take your order
cronus: I’ll have the kids meal
Batgirl: I have a riddle for you, Riddler.
Riddler: Oh?
B: Notice anything different about me?
R:
R: *jumps to his death from 46th-floor window*