Me: this is my service alligator. he’s trained
Him: it’s not trained. it attacks anyone who gets close to you
Me: like I said, it’s trained
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[bar closing time]
Do you wanna come over to my place?
Her (flirtatious af): oh yeah
Ok hold on..
*dials phone*
Mom? Can you pick me up now?
[in a getaway car]
robber: what are you wearing i said come in a mask
me (taking cucumber slice off my eye): do you not see this mud?
The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t
There is a button on my microwave that says “super clown” and I do not ever push that button
Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.
wife: Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?
toddler [whispers] Because that’s where the cheese is
me: Because that’s where the cheese is!
Just took my 8,647th accidental screenshot of my lock screen while putting my phone in my pocket
I don’t trust my arms or legs like I trust my hips
my hips don’t lie but but the rest of my body parts are bullshiters
ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty
If you hide the Easter eggs while you’re drunk, nobody knows where they are
I’d like to criticize your fidget spinner but I used to own a pet rock.
The commando team infiltrates my base, sneaks up behind my guards, and executes the neck twist maneuver. But my owl guards are unharmed.
Jeff Bezos going to space gives me a nervous feeling. Like what if something happens and he doesn’t stay there, you guys?
[tinder date]
me: oh wow this is awkward
sunset: *just kinda sets there*
me: but i thought you were, you know
sunset: *still setting*
me: a shy woman who used a sunset pic as your profile photo and not uhhh
sunset: *fully sets behind the restaurant table edge*
I hate ramen noodles.
*Checks bank account balance*
I love ramen noodles!
I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too
FIRST GUY TO EAT A BANANA: hey this is good come here and try it
FIRST GUY TO SLIP ON A BANANA PEEL: ok
VAMPIRE: ur making this weird
ME: my neck is ticklish!
my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy
Dad Hack: get your teen’s attention instantly by pre-heating the oven.
[ 4 dentists coming out of the woods ]
me: hey weren’t there five of you
them: (in agreement) no
Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves
CUCUMBER 911: What’s your emergency?
CUCUMBER: Please send help! I’m trapped in a jar full of vinegar!
CUCUMBER 911: hmmm, this is a pickle!
Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.
– How much for the mobile tampon?
– Ma’am?
– It’s a bit big.
– Ma’am, it’s a lamb.
– Does it make that sound because it has detected blood?
You’ve been promoted to customer
#FireSomeonePolitely
One-upping the deceased by showing up to the funeral in my own coffin.
I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.
I am starting to suspect that my camo hoodie isn’t as clean as it appears